Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

“Well gentle-dwarves, do you have any ideas?”

I was currently down a dive tunnel with Wreck and Sam. Balin had the day off today, so he was explaining our gunpowder to the engineers.

I used [Power Pick] on a particularly difficult section of the wall, and then turned to face Sam. He was lying on his back facing the roof of the cave. He’d just come from lugging some sacks up the dive tunnel and was wheezing a bit.

“What about a candlewick?” Wreck asked, as she filled a sack with the ore I’d collected.

“Eh, probably not Wreck.” Sam said from his spot on the floor. “Candlewick’ll be too slow.”

“It’s a good idea Wreck, I’ll try it anyway.”

“It’ll be too slow.” Sam complained.

“Nobody asked you Sam.” I retorted.

“You literally just –”

“I’ll try the candlewick, maybe soak it in oil or somethin if it’s too slow. Come on Sam, yer the [Maestro], don't you have an idea or two?”

Sam mulled it over while I helped Wreck fill the bags. “You said it needs to be a rope or somethin that burns fast, but not too fast?”

“Yes, and at a constant rate.” I didn’t want to light the thing and then have it suddenly streak to the end ! No sudden bangs for Pete. Fast but steady, that was the ticket.

“Fraid not, Pete.” Sam shrugged.

“I think that would be way slower than the candlewick Sam, it’s a terrible idea.”

“What?” Sam went over his words and then guffawed. “Hah! You got me!” Wreck didn’t even grin but I think I saw her eyes roll.

“What about guts?” Wreck asked after a few minutes of silent work.

“Guts?” Sam and I asked in unison. I think I saw her blush slightly.

“Yes, some dried out guts.”

“Oh! Like an instrument string.” Sam exclaimed. “Mebbe doused with somethin flammable. That could work… I shoulda thought of that!” He slapped Wreck on the back and she turned around and kicked him in the shin.

“I’ll add it to my list. Thanks Wreck.”

Seriously, the work was mind-numbing sometimes, and the only thing that kept it fresh was the fact that I did it with some friends.

Oh, and the mining songs. Wreck and I grabbed our bags while Sam got back to mining while singing a song I’d taught him. It echoed joyously along the rock and stone as we made our way up the dive tunnel.

Brothers in the dive rejoice!

Swing, swing, swing with me.

Raise your pick and raise your voice!

Sing, sing, sing with me.

Down and down into the deep,

Will we find Tiara's Keep?

Diamonds, blessings, gold and more,

Hidden in the mountain store!

I am a dwarf and I'm digging a hole.

Diggy diggy hole, diggy diggy hole!

I am a dwarf and I'm digging a hole.

Diggy diggy hole, digging a hole!

That song had gotten more popular in the past few months than Tiara’s Keep, which was the first mining song I’d ever heard down here. Sam especially loved it, and I couldn't wait to hear it on the bagpipes. Maybe I could write a punk rock version. Speaking of which, I suspect dwarves will be big fans of rock music. Just a feeling.

Soon we were up around a bend and I couldn’t hear him singing anymore. Wreck wasn't a big talker, so we dragged our bags up in silence. I had some time to think and it suddenly struck home that I was going to leave the mine soon. That was a sad thought, this place had become a second home.

Doc Opal was like a beloved aunt to me, and her lessons were probably going to be the only thing keeping me alive down here.

Sam was a loveable gruff old man, and I was looking forward to jamming with him on his pipes when we got out. His indenture was for a year and a half, so he’d be out in about a year.

Bran's been like an older brother or a cousin. He had that “I’m tolerating you because mum requires it” feel down to an art.

Tim was… Tim. He was like a buddy that… I owed money.

Something tugged at my memory a bit. Something about Tim and money. I shook it off as I tripped on a rock. Careful Pete, don’t want a concussion right before the big escape!

Grim was the angry grandpappy who yells at clouds. He secretly loves you, but hides it with a constant stream of criticism. We love you too Grim, you incorrigible right bastard.

Balin and Annie would be out with me, so nothing to miss there. I’d have to marry Balin off to Annie eventually though. *sniff* They grow up so fast!

Wreck… I turned to look at Wreck as she walked up the tunnel beside me. I didn’t really know Wreck. She was the introvert of the group, and while I’d say we were friendly, it was hard to say that we were ‘friends’. I regretted that, as she and Annie had been besties. Well, no time like the present.

“So, Wreck, how are you finding the mine life?”

“It’s fine.”

“Do you find you miss Annie?”

“Yeah.”

See? What am I supposed to do with that. Well, every friend group needs the strong silent type. I compared the single sack I was dragging up the tunnel with the two that Wreck was lugging over her shoulder. Yep, the strooong silent type.

“Are ya going to come and find us when you get out? We’ll all be at Annie’s brewery, hopefully.”

“Probably.” She hesitated. “Maybe.”

“Maybe what?” Now I was curious, was she playing hard to get? I could get behind a tsundere dwarf, especially one with such a marvelous… stringy beard. Alright, Wreck didn’t have the most marvelous of beards.

“Depends on a couple things.”

“What things?” I edged closer and put on a winning smile.

“Things.”

My smile twitched a bit. Fine, keep your secrets.

We reached the end of the dive tunnel, and Wreck hoisted both her bags into a passing minecart. I tried to toss mine in as well, but my arms were a bit too weak from dragging the heavy sack up the tunnel. Without a word, Wreck grabbed it from me and tossed it into the minecart as easily as the first two. She turned to face me as the minecart whizzed off. She grinned, and I realized for the first time that Wreck had a very pretty smile.

“You should work those weak arms as much as you work yer mouth, Pete!”

Oof.

---

I put down the sack of materials Grim had brought me and sat down at my makeshift workstation.

It was finally my day off, and Grim had been kind enough to get me everything I needed. There was even a small vial of methanol with a label that said ‘ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DRINK, FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES ONLY’ and another hastily scrawled note that said “DO NOT ADD TO THE BEER, PETE”. Puhlease, any high school chem kid knows not to drink methanol. I'm ignorant, not stupid. I did wonder if they used nasty additives here; most methanol back on Earth had all kinds of stuff added to it to prevent 'experimental drinking'.

I was a bit surprised to learn that alcohol exists in a form other than beer here. If you have [Alchemists] it makes sense that you'd also have distilling techniques. I was further surprised that the dwarves weren't using distilling to make stronger alcohol, but then again… I wasn’t.

There were four different ideas for my makeshift fuse.

Some gunpowder wrapped in cloth.

A candlewick, just for Sam.

A rope soaked in oil.

Some guts soaked in alcohol.

If none of those worked, it was back to the drawing board. Or I could give up a lot of gold and set the [Engineers] on it.

I tried the candlewick first, and well, it was a candlewick; it burned nowhere fast. I needed something that moved a bit quicker so I could make a long fuse. It was likely that once the fire got anywhere near the powder it could blow, so short fuses were out. I guess that meant no using Grim as a fuse.

Next, I tried wrapping some gunpowder in a long, thin, cotton sheet; I made sure to use [Stabilize Mixture] just in case. It took a while, but it actually looked like a fuse when it was done! I lit one end on fire, and it worked great! At least it worked great until it reached a section where I’d poured a bit too much gunpowder and the entire thing went up in an instant. I imagined me going up in an instant with it and instantly shelved the idea. It did create a stereotypical hissing fuse, but it was just too risky.

Next, I tried the rope soaked in oil, and it worked OK. When I lit it, the burning traveled at a nice rate along the rope, but it was kind of stop and go. I needed consistency.

Finally, Wreck’s big idea! I soaked the guts in alcohol for a while and then dried them at low heat in the oven while Bran angrily tapped his foot beside me. I think he was worried I would blow up his kitchen; can’t imagine why. When it came time to test it, the makeshift fuse worked exactly as intended! The fire burned merrily down the string of guts at a fairly constant rate.

Perfect! I had a working model, and a massive problem. There was no way a string of guts mixed with methanol was cheap or easy to work with. Wreck would be happy to know her idea worked, but it just wasn’t right for me.

I hummed a little “Boom Boom Pow” from the Peas as I brainstormed, and then made a small *tsk* as I remembered something. I had [Flash of Insight] and this was the perfect time to use it. I was kind of loathe to use anything from Bollocks Barck, but ‘waste not want not’.

I activated [Flash of Insight] and for an instant, nothing happened. Typical Barck, garbage God, garbage -

Suddenly my head rocked as knowledge exploded in my brain and drained out through my eye sockets. Everything around me and everything I'd seen or heard in my entire existence spun through my head. I think I may have collapsed, but the only thing on my mind was the rampant fractal patterns wracking my cerebellum. Then, as a series of mental switches clicked into place, I gained an insight.

I already had what I needed. I’d known about it for a year. Whistlemop’s red vine.

Also, eat shit Barck. Ugh.

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