Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

“Is this it?”

“I think it is, Pete.”

“There could be multiple places in Minnova called ‘Thirsty Goat Brewing”

“I think that’s unlikely.”

“Minnova’s a big place.”

“Not that big.”

“But it could be possible.”

“Aye, but this is probably it.”

“I could go in incognito and scope it out, make sure it’s the right place.”

“I could wear a disguise?”

“You got anythin’ to use fer one?”

“I could go buy one, we still have…. over a hundred silver.”

“Seems a waste of money.”

“But a little info on your future family before you meet them. Could be useful!”

Balin sighed. Honestly, if it wasn’t for Balin’s intense desire to see Annie, it would have taken us all day to get here. Minnova was an amazing town from the perspective of a non-native, and I could have window shopped and toured the attractions for hours.

During our short trip through the city centre, I’d seen magic devices, armour and weapon shops, street performers, strange plants, strange animals, strange food, strange people, and more. It was like watching a fantasy movie from my childhood with all my childhood wonder left intact. City hall, at the dead center of the city, had been a massive, multi-storey building with intricate carvings and a gigantic clock face on the front. There looked to be some kind of mechanism as well, but I’d barely looked at it for a moment before Balin had grabbed my ear and pulled me down a side alley.

Now we were standing just across the street from Annie’s brewery on a busy side street. Minnova’s roads were very easy to navigate; Annie’s brewery was on 4th Street South-West, just off of Main Street West. The numbers counted down to the main street, and every city block was nearly exactly square. It was horrifically well organized, and anyone from the Okanagan would have found it to be overbearingly OCD. All of the streets in Canada were named after famous people, so you just had to go down McCurdy, turn on Craig and then you’d find Webster Street. Except of course, Craig Street actually turned into Hemlock Street at Hartman… Alright, maybe numbered streets were more practical. Still, where was your sense of adventure Minnova?

The brewery was a tall single-storey red-brick building that took up nearly half the block. The walls were weathered with age, though one side of the building was clearly new. A wooden sign over the door said ‘Thirsty Goat Brewing’, with a drawing of a goat with its face buried in a tankard. There were several shuttered windows, and a single step up to an ornate wooden door.

This street seemed to be a random collection of shops and businesses. To the left of the brewery was a general store called ‘Knicknack’s’. It had a large picture window, and I could see various tools and hardware inside. A few dwarves and gnomes filtered in and out of the store, carrying everything from fishing poles to buckets. To the right of the brewery was a rather plain stone building with no signs or even obvious habitation.

“Pete, I’m going in.” Balin said, his voice firm with conviction.

“Alright. Let’s do this.” I nodded and the two of us walked up the front step together.

“Wait, Pete. I changed my mind.”

“Nope.” I gently dwarfhandled Balin through the door.

—

The inside of the brewery was a rather standard front foyer for any shop. The room was well furnished with wooden walls and eaves and plush green carpet. A counter stood to one side, with a line of casks on the wall behind it. The rest of the walls were lined with various pieces of brewing paraphernalia. Some fairly standard magic solstone lamps gave a bright, cheery yellow glow to everything. The feeling was kind of like a pub, and I think that was on purpose. I didn’t see any actual place to sit and drink, but perhaps one of the side doors had a tasting room.

The brewing equipment littered around the room was quite close to what I expected. There were several giant wooden rakes for stirring mash, some kegs, a few ladles, and a big barrel that was clearly a mash tun for stirring hot mash. Several awards were plastered here and there, though most of them were from a few hundred or thousand years ago. A line of portraits ran along one wall, which ended with a painting of Annie and a rather severe looking blonde dwarf who I realized must be her father. I was about to go get a closer look when a voice called out to us.

“Welcome to Thirsty Goat Brewing, nice to meet you!” The bright cheery voice brought our attention to a dwarfess standing behind the counter. “I’m Aqua, how can I help you?”

I did a double take. This was the first dwarf I had seen that wasn’t in some kind of armour. She was wearing what appeared to be an actual white sundress! No, wait, she was also wearing silver armguards inset with bright ruby roses. Her blue-coloured pigtailed beard framed a cute feminine face, and her hair was up in a ponytail with a dainty circlet in front.

I strode forward confidently and held out my hand. “Hello! I’m Peter Roughtuff, and this is my brother, Balin Roughtuff. We’re friends of Annie’s.”

“Oh! The Balin and Pete?” She shook my hand vigorously, and I took an unconscious step backwards as her businesslike smile turned practically feral. I recognized that smile from my wife’s friends… “Welcome to the brewery! I was told you’d be around some time this week.”

“Yes, we sent a letter to Annie letting her know we’d be, uh, out of the mine.”

“Well, congratulations on that! Annie’s been waiting with bated breath for your arrival,” Her smile got even wider, “and the boss has been waiting with even more anticipation than her!”

Balin gulped and I trod gently on his foot. Don’t go fainting on me Balin, keep it together!

“Yes, Balin and I have been looking forward to comin’ here ever since Annie mentioned the place.”

“Annie seemed to think you’d be out a bit sooner? She managed to get out of the mining camp quite quickly after all!” Aqua looked us up and down, and I could feel the unsaid question: ‘what took you so long?’.

“We had some complications.” I shrugged. “What matters is that we made it out, and made some good connections too.”

“Well, you’ll need to tell us all about it!” Aqua pointed towards a door behind the counter. “I’d invite you into the brewery, but Annie and the boss are working on a brew right now.”

“Ooooh, can we watch?” I asked. I was really interested in seeing the actual brewing process and comparing it to what I knew about ancient brewing.

The first beers on earth were actually made by the Chinese nearly ten thousand years ago, using rice as a malt with honey and flowers for sweetener. The Mesopotamians are usually credited with the first western style beer, and we actually have archeological evidence of their brewing process from 4000 BC. The Mesopotamians used barley to make their beers, as well as a type of barley bread called bappir. Their brewing process was quite close to how beer was made all the way up into the 1800s, and I was itching to compare it to the dwarven method. Although, of course…

“I’m afraid I can’t let you onto the brew room floor.” Aqua shook her head sadly. “You may be friends of Annie’s, but the brewing process is a secret held within the Goldstone family.”

“I understand.” I’d expected as much, actually. “How did you get involved with the brewery? You don’t appear to be a Goldstone.” I pointed to the paintings on the wall. Aqua turned to look at them and shook her head.

“Oh, nonono.” She laughed, a merry tinkling sound. “I’m no Goldstone, though my father’s family has worked in the brewery for two generations now. He’s Mr. Goldstone’s right hand dwarf. I’m just the clerk, but I do know the whole process. I have to, since I order all our supplies.”

“Are there a lot of dwarves working here right now?”

“Well, the Goldstone family is much reduced of late. There’s Mr. Goldstone and his cousin John, as well as Annie and John’s son Johnsson.” She started to count on her fingers and I held out a hand, stopping her before she could continue.

“Sorry, say that again? Did you say Johnson Johnson?”

“John’s son is named Johnson, yes.”

“That’s…” I tried to keep my face from breaking into a grin.

“Oh, it’s not that bad. I have a friend named Potter Pottersdotter.”

I choked. “Am I allowed to laugh at that?”

“Oh please do, she hates it.” We snickered, and even Balin let out a strained chuckle.

“Anyone else, or is it just you, your father, and the Goldstones?”

“There’s also Richter. He’s kind of new. He’s from down south. His family immigrated to Minnova recently, and his father actually saved Mr. Goldstone’s life. He’s been working in the brewery since he was a lad.”

“Define… recently.” I was a bit suspicious of that word when it came from the mouth of a dwarf.

“About two hundred years, give or take.” Yep, there it was.

I think I had Aqua’s number at this point. She was probably the company gossip, and the most sociable to boot, so if I wanted my advertising plan to go to plan, she was the best place to start. She struck me as the kind of dwarf that would talk for hours if you got her started.

“Thanks for telling us all this Aqua,” I gave her the best smile I could muster with my middling charisma, “we’re hoping that we can fit in here, especially Balin.” I gave her a wink and she tittered.

“Oh, Annie has been pining, so I think the boss won’t have any choice in the matter!”

“Hah! Yes, I remember when my… friend’s daughter was like that. It was impossible to tell her no!” We both laughed at Balin’s expense, and he turned around to study the paintings on the wall. That didn’t stop us from spotting his red cheeks and we laughed a little harder. Eventually though, Aqua turned her attention to me.

“What about you, Peter? Are you going to ask the boss to hire you too?”

“Yes, I hope so. I’m actually a titled [Alchemist], and I almost have my first specialization.”

“Really?! Annie didn’t mention that!”

I nodded. “I earned it by tinkering with powders, but my real love is brewing.”

Aqua chewed her lip. “The boss could use another hand helping out with brewing. Annie helps a lot, but it’s hard with just the two of them.” She bobbed her head slightly and continued. “My dad is a hard worker, and he’s got Tiara’s blessing, but he doesn’t have any milestones to help with brewing.”

“Well, if Mr. Goldstone needs a hard worker, Balin over there is the hero of the City of Minnova mine! He’s a titled [Knight] and he saved a dozen dwarves from a stoneant attack.”

“What!?”

“Oh yes, indeed! He’s even got shining armor! I told him to sweep Annie off her feet, but he’s too shy.” I whispered the last in a faux sotto-voce.

Aqua leaned in conspiratorially, her eyes sparkling. “Goodness, I’d pay gold to see that!”

“Yer gonna pay fer this later, Pete.” Balin groaned.

I studiously ignored him. “It’s alright. We have quite a lot of gold coming in from our project.” Eventually, but she didn’t need to know that.

“Annie mentioned that, can you talk about it?”

“Perhaps over a drink…” I said, waggling my eyebrows.

“Of course! I can’t take you into the brewery itself, but you can come into the tasting room and have a drink. We use it as a mess hall.” She led us to another side door and opened it, motioning us inside. The inside of the room had a few picnic style tables and a giant mural of a drunk goat on one wall.

I glanced up at the cock-eyed caprid. “You know, I’ve been wondering why this place is called the Thirsty Goat…”

“Oh, that’s because of Penelope-the-Ten-Thousand-and-Fourth.”

“Penelope-The-What?”

“Over there. Come say hello, Penelope!”

That was precisely the moment that a waist high, pure white unigoat rammed me in the gut.

"Ooooh..." Aqua hissed. "Sorry, that's just how she says hello."

"Maaaaah!!!"

[Translated from prima donna goat] "Prithy who art thou, trespasser?!"

All I could do was groan back.

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