Chapter 174
Translator: yun
“Why did you s-save me? Why do you keep saving me?”
Amor felt afraid but he was sobbing at the same time.
“Me. Like what you did to my mother.” Amor continued after hiccupping, “You’re going to kill me like what you did to Lord Robentenus.”
“That’s right. So, you want to live.”
“No. No…! Wh-why only me…!”
Everyday without fail, Amor would wonder. He was going to die anyway. Everyone other than him had died. So, to him, it was strange how he was the only one left alive.
“Why you’re the only one alive? Living is not a choice, Amor.”
“.....”
“You and I. We were not born because someone wanted it.”
Castor understood Amor’s conflicting feelings of both wanting to die and wanting to live.
“Just like how we never asked to be chosen by the gods. In the future, countless absurdities will only continue to appear in front of you.”
Nevertheless, Amor wanted to live. Eventually, he wanted to smell the subtle fragrance of flowers and witness the different seasons for a long time to come.
He could not stand this desire of his because he thought he was being selfish.
“So, go ahead. If you want to live, you’ll have to.”
Castor replied as he smiled towards the small, fragile hand on his sleeve.
“I adore small and fragile things.”
If Amor wanted to die, Castor would have really killed him. If Amor dies, the emperor will not stay still but who cares? As he stared at his younger brother’s trembling shoulders, Castor quietly whispered.
“As long as you don’t disobey me, I will not abandon you.”
To Amor, this was an unforgettable memory.
***
It might now be impossible for Amor to become the friendly boy he used to be after already being influenced by the person named Castor.
“Keuk…”
The price he paid for living was pain that ate away at the young body. He would struggle in bed all morning until he finally managed to get up.
Whenever that happened, he would bury his tear-stricken face into his pillow while resenting everything. Living day by day with a fury he couldn’t suppress in his tattered body, he wondered why he still didn’t want to die. All whilst resenting.
So, when Ashley poured out her resentment to him, he understood her.
“Don’t fault me, brother.”
Her blonde hair, which was reminiscent of a field covered in wheat, fell alongside her lowered head. Her eyelashes fluttering.
Amor stopped reaching out to her and instead his gaze wandered in the air.
‘I don’t know… where to hold her.’
Her head was smaller than his and her trembling shoulders looked too thin. They looked like they would break if he held them.
“I can’t help it, you know?”
After the silence that did not seem to pass easily, her voice cut through the air before cracking at the end of her words.
“Could you ignore and give up on the light shining right in front of you, brother? When nothing is clear to you yet? Brother, you’re also living a dog’s life everyday!” (1)
It was not her usual calm voice and her shaking, trembling voice shook the boy as well.
“Look. Look at me. Brother. Do you see these hands? I have nothing.”
She had always acted like she had been holding everything up well. Her usual calm expression that looked as if she had everything under control made him believe that she was.
“I’m alright.”
Amor believed in her smiles as if he had been brainwashed. But when he realised that the words, ‘I’m alright’, came as naturally as eating to her, he realised that it was not true. He realised that the hands that were covering her eyes made her look like she was crying.
“I only have so much on my hands but I don’t even have the strength to protect what I have...”
Shock rippled through him. The emotions that engulfed him tingled and overwhelmed him.
“Is that all you have to say? Your foolishness is making me speechless. You’ve gone mad. I’m sure you are. Your reasons are completely unjustified. A total sham. What’s so good about that lady-in-waiting that you got hurt like this!”
He raised his voice as if he was close to exploding. He was unable to control the emotions that were about to erupt within him. He couldn’t understand why hearing her say how everything other than her body was alright made him angry.
So far, as the seasons passed, he had been patient, he had endured everything and persevered through it all.
So, he didn’t know how to express himself or let his emotions erupt since all he had known how to do was hide and protect himself.
‘Wh-why wouldn’t I be on your side? Why!’
The boy who had only endured for so long just pushed her forward.
‘When you have me!!’
He was being swayed by the tumultuous emotions within him and he didn’t know what to do. He hated the girl who didn’t care that she was hurt just to win the heart of some lady-in-waiting wench. The girl who was neglecting herself seemed to hate being neglected even more.
“Answer me.”
Her cheeks and her nose. When she finally made eye contact with him, he felt like vomiting.
“What if I give you all my heart. I’m asking you, will you still jump in to save some wench?”
Answer. Why? Why was he thirsting and dying to see her and why was this attraction no different from the corrupted desires he was familiar with? And why was his heart aching?
He wanted to do anything for her. He wanted her to smile with happiness, he wanted her to be so happy that she wouldn’t know what to do with her happiness and he hoped that she wouldn’t cry anymore.
He was afraid. Heated, he kept asking himself questions and searched for a way to express this emotion before pondering again. It didn’t feel enough to just pour his emotions in front of her.
The face that comes to mind whenever he closes his eyes.
He already knew the answer, didn’t he?
‘That’s not true.’
Lies.
Amor, what would the rest of the world describe this to be?
***
He knew very well what the girl thought of him. Sometimes, her calm and indifferent expression would break down to show her pity.
“There are too many unfortunate things happening around me.”
It was hard for him to pretend to not notice because it happens so frequently it was impossible not to know.
“Are you referring to me?’
“I wasn’t talking about brother in particular. But you are included.’
Whenever anyone else showed him an expression of pity, he would grimace right away. But just as he expected, the reason he didn't do the same to her was because… Amor held his chin and smiled before tilting his head.
“Then, instead of just pity and sympathy, why don’t you give something else?”
In the place of his hands, the vines pulled the girl closer to him.
“What can I give you, brother?”
The girl blinked and asked me sweetly.
“Well.”
ραпdα nᴏνa| сom Suddenly, he thought. If the girl called his name, perhaps he would know the answer.
‘My name.’
Not caring if she sees it, Amor smiled before saying.
“Say my name.”
“.....”
“Call me ‘Amor’.”
She smiled awkwardly. She didn’t say his name in the end and instead laughed softly, making his heart ache even more.
Soon after, she hardened her expression and calmly refused his request. Even though it wasn’t something for her to be so insistent on.
It was quite a change. Until then, the girl had always acted weak as if she pitied him but for the first time, she was refusing him. So, if she carried out his favour, something would change and he might find the answer he had been looking for all this time.
“Say it.”
“... I can’t.”
He wondered why. Her soft yet firm whisper made her voice sound so sweet that Amor wanted to listen to it a little more.
‘It’s merely a name.’
Until then, his name did not mean much to him. It was the name his mother used to call him but even that was fading away.
It felt like a dream that ended too fast. Ridiculously enough, the quick deaths of his mother and his loved ones always appeared in his dreams. That’s why he once dreamed of revenge. Against the man who killed his mother, Yusnan von Develo. However, as days went by, his blade became dull.
“Have you killed all the Templars of Beasts?”
“Yes. My father is now dead, my prince.”
Before his character could fully establish, he had suffered from ruthless violence which resulted in the now resigned man. So when he met the boy who looked exactly like the man who killed his mother in front of his eyes, all he could do was blink nonchalantly.
“I am his son, Hernandez.”
The boy with white hair smiled.
“I don’t hate you, my prince. But I am sure that you hate me. I’d understand if you continue to hate me till the end.”
All the Cities of Beasts had been burned down. And this boy was the only one who survived. Hearing that all their templars had died, Amor could only shake his head and look up.
“... Yes, my father… is really dead.”
The boy confessed. He managed to survive because he had been in a very very deep corner in the basement of a tower.
“You may resent me.”
Yusnan, the former duke and the emperor’s right-hand man. He did anything for the emperor and claimed to be his faithful dog who did not hesitate to dirty his hands. It was cruel but they were people who would put the emperor’s will before their lives. The man whom he had not seen recently had died.
“I’ve been ordered by Castor to protect you.”
Amor wanted to ask the boy who looked beautiful when he smiled gently.
How could he be so calm?
“... What do you mean to protect me? I’m sure you’re just here to monitor me.”
“Impossible. Castor cares for you. Anyway, I’ll make sure not to stand out.”
As promised, the white-haired boy killed his breath. (2) Even if he could breathe, it seemed as if he didn’t. The boy who calmly stared at him with even breaths felt more like a well-trained beast than a human being.
However, whenever Amor raised his head, all he saw was his pale side profile as Hernan stared elsewhere.
“What is he…”
It seemed as if it was the first time the boy had ever seen acacia leaves flying through the air as innocence poured through his slightly parted eyelids. Sometimes, Hernan would blush like he had just been handed candy and if he had a tail, it would wag happily.
This boy had been imprisoned until he managed to get a hold of himself to suppress the blood of beasts. For Hernan, everything he was seeing was new to him.
Eventually, Amor couldn’t manage to hate a man like Hernandez. He was too pure to be stained by the greed, ambition and evil around him. Amor was also someone who made poison that killed people and he was suffering because he understood the pain. He was a flower that shook in the wind because he was weak. He was a flower that would only wither endlessly.
“I feel sorry for the prince who’s always locked up. I’m sorry I cannot help you.’
Hernan smiled with a slightly sad expression.
While he was in charge of handling trees and flowers, Hernan handled the birds. Just like a bird and a tree, they both gave each other space to fill but did not get involved with each other.
Nevertheless, there were some things he learnt over time. His hometown, Broomtrogen, was destroyed overnight by the Templars of Chaos. It was an act of revenge against Hernan's father, Yusnan, for forbidding their work.
“You can laugh at my father’s death.”
He spoke firmly.
“The late duke’s death… was an obvious outcome.”
“Hernan.”
“However, what of the hundreds of thousands of people who are simply believers of the God of Beasts?”
Hernan could readily accept the karma that hit his father as a result of his deeds but he felt both pity and anger for the innocents who lost their lives.
“The moment my father died, I became the Head Templar of Beasts.”
Even if they don’t share the same blood, the Head Templar is able to feel the pain of those who believed in the same god.
“There were templars who were still alive after my father died. There were some who were innocent but they were still brutally murdered.”
He was suffering from the death of these Templars of Beasts.
T/N:
(1): I don’t think I made this clear the last time but the ‘dog’s life’ she’s referring to here is a fool’s life where each day is spent tirelessly working towards something (like a goal).
(2): Hernan promised not to stand out so he ‘killed his breath’ so Amor wouldn’t even hear the sounds of his breaths but this is not literal, it just means that Hernan hid himself well so that even though he’s there, it feels as if he’s not.
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