On the Saturday on which I went out with Hinami, as well as the Sunday the next day, while keeping up with the usual training of my facial expression and posture, at the same time I thoroughly carried out the『Memorization of Topics』and『Practising Tone of Back-channels』that Hinami had taught me.
For the memorization of topics, I used the method I often employed for studying, using a red sheet to hide answers that I had written using a red pen. Memorizing dozens of topics that I had gone out of my way to come up with. For practising the tone of my back-channels, I didn't really have any conversation partners, and as for doing it with my mother and father…… there was no way I was going to have that kind of conversation with them, so I practised by using the tragic method of turning on the television and back-channeling to talk shows and such. That is, back-channeling in sync with the actors.
Here, I noticed something. Since I couldn't use anything except『aiueo』, I had intended to exaggerate my back-channels, but the resulting tones of my back-channels didn't end up being very different from the ones made at the same time by the actors on television.
However, as a viewer watching them on television, I didn't really feel that the actors were exaggerating their back-channels.
──In other words, the tones that I felt were exaggerated, when viewed objectively, were actually natural tones. Conversely speaking, it meant that the way in which I had been back-channeling up until now had been pretty dull.
「Ahhhhhh! I really don't get it!」
As for myself throwing my chest out, tightening my mouth and saying that with an extremely cheerful tone of voice, it felt so unlike me, it was embarrassing.
──Which is why, I should be able to do various things better than the previous me could.
Monday, in the classroom.
「Hey, Izumi-san, did you do the English translation?」
It might have sounded casual, or rather, if would be great if it had sounded that way, but my heart was racing. On the way back from the second Sewing Room to the classroom, going, gonna say it, gonna say it, gonna say it, I had continuously pepped myself up, and as a result, I managed to say it soon after returning to my seat without there first being an unusually long pause. Naturally, the topic of English homework was among the ones that I had previously memorized.
「Eh? Huh, Tomozaki-kun? What? You didn't do it?」
Her surprised Eh? and What? clearly showed on her face, but it was inevitable since I was the one who had started the conversation.
「Ah, no, no, I did do it.」
Izumi-san made a puzzled face. Today's me is different from usual, though!
「Eh, what's the matter then?」
Izumi drew her body back a bit and stared at me. Clearly on alert. Huh? Is this bad? No, wait, I should still be safe. After all, there's still my stock of memorized topics!
「Well, I mean, suddenly a weird name like McCosh Poody turned up, like, didn't you find that funny?」I said this with the most natural tone of voice and facial expression that I could manage.
「Makkos……? Sorry, what? I don't get what you mean. Rather, I haven't done the translation yet, so……」
……Uhhh. Well then, what to do. Huh? What other topics did I memorize? Wait just a moment. Eh? Uhhh. I was supposed to have around 10 topics left. Huh? My head's completely blank……
My initial hollow composure was blown away without a trace, and only my abnormally fast heartbeat remained.
「Ah, is that so!」I had intended to say this in a bright tone of voice, but since I said it in a hurry, I wonder how it turned out.
「Yeah. Actually, why so suddenly? Is that all?」
「Ah, yeah, sorry.」I didn't feel like I was able to maintain a bright tone at all at.
「I don't really mind……eh, can I go now?」
「Ah, well……」
「Hn？」
「Err……ah, nevermind, it's……nothing.」
After confirming from my lifeless words that it was fine to leave, Izumi-san tilted her head, then quickly moved towards the area in the back of the classroom near the windows, the zone where the riajuus would always gather.
Eh?
── I had thought that I would be able to do it if I tried hard, but in the end, I hadn't managed to do it at all. Hahahahaha. What's with that? Actually, then again. Of course it'd be like this. It's me, after all. Just what was I doing misunderstanding the situation here. I was getting carried away, wasn't I. This was the best I could manage. It's always been that way, hasn't it. Can't do it, can't do it, impossible, it's impossible. As expected. It's too early for me to put into practice, Hinami.
I, who had suffered a complete loss of my self-confidence and will to fight, couldn't concentrate on the lessons at all. What's she going to say to me during the after-school evaluation session? What should I say? Those were the only two thoughts that filled my head. However, as if to say to me, Like I care, when I got back from going to the toilet during the break between second and third period, written on the handout I had left on top of my desk was the following short note.
『〝TWO〟times per day.』
Seriously……. Hinami-san. You want me to go through that hell a second time……?
「Fuu──！」[1]
I had wavered for a moment because of my smashed-up self-confidence, but by forcibly starting up my, since it's something I myself decided to do, there's no way but to do it, hating-to-lose way of thinking that I had cultivated in ATAFAMI and the other games, I re-ignited my fighting spirit. If I lose here, then I will have lost to myself. *Pachin*. I struck my face with both hands. I'll do what I've decided to do, I'll do what I've decided to do. Not-doing is reserved for when I've concluded that this is a kusoge and discontinued everything. But until then.
After all, she's not the main heroine and our relationship is pretty weak in the first place, so it doesn't matter what she thinks! That's why, it's fine! Even if things turn weird, it'll only be a temporary embarrassment! It's all right!
While making those kinds of self-suggestions, I searched for the right timing, but, the break after the third period, the lunch break, and the break after the fifth period, I'd already missed those three chances I could have used to talk to her.
It would be one thing if it were physically impossible. However, having chances but letting them escape due to my fear was just nonsense. I couldn't just brush it off with an oops. I had to use this fighting spirit to make my body move somehow.
And so, after school, immediately after the ending salutations. If I missed this chance, then Izumi Yuzu would once again move to her usual position at the back of the classroom near the windows, group up with all the riajuus and go home. This was literally the last chance. I still had some topics memorized. If it's like this, it, shouldn't be unnatural, I think. It'll be fine!
I took a breath. Then, squeezed out the words.
「Hey, Izumi-san.」
──In a voice so quiet, only I could hear it.
Naturally, there was no way that Izumi Yuzu could have noticed words that were spoken so silently, so she joined her usual group and went back home.
「Well, the very fact that you came here is admirable.」
After school, in the second Sewing Room. As if she had seen through my feelings, that was what Hinami said to me.
「……I'm terribly sorry.」
I said this sincerely. I considered it inexcusable from the bottom of my heart. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that I was crestfallen.
「If I were your friend, this is where I would cheer you up with words of kindness.」Since I was feeling down, I couldn't see her face.「However, I am in the position of being your coach. Even if I were your friend, it would be as a comrade-in-arms. Because of that, I'll be guiding you until the very end.」
I wholly agreed with every single word of that.
「Today's evaluation session will be brief. There's only two things I want to say.」
「Only two?」
「Yes. Firstly.『It's over if you get complacent. It's also over if you give excuses. Reflect on that.』」
Hinami had said this with a relentless glint in her eyes.
「……U, Understood!」
Her words echoed greatly in my heart.
「And, secondly.『From tomorrow onwards, continue trying your best in the same manner.』」
「……Eh？」
「How you performed today is within my expectations. I had already considered that the possibility of things turning out like this when I gave you the task. That's why, there's no problem. You'll be able to grow from it. However, make sure to bear in mind that fulfilling the twice per day quota is possible. That is all. Alright?」
「Within your expectations?」
「Yes. Which is why, make sure to complete the task without fail from tomorrow onwards.」
「But……to be honest, I'm not confident that I'll be able to start up a conversation with her again……even the topic I prepared, it ended up in failure.」
「What happened today was just a coincidence. Since Yuzu coincidentally didn't do the translation, things didn't work out the way they should have, but as a conversation topic, what you said wasn't that bad, and the way you said it and your facial expression were both, well, passable. Just barely, mind you.」
「Is, is that so?」
「Yes.」
「But, I don't even know if the topics I prepare for next time will be okay or not……」
「You're overthinking it. Anything works as a conversation topic. If you really can't come up with one, then talk about your conversation partner's facial expression, or hairstyle. Basically anything『about the other person』and it'll work out somehow. Anyway, anything works.」
「Is, is that so……?」
「Yes. So you continue in that same manner tomorrow, there's a high probability that you'll be able to strike up a normal conversation.」
「……But」
「Will you stop it, I'm tired of your buts already! Listen up. About the word『but』, it's not something you should use as part of an excuse to run away, but instead, something you use to suggest a way to change the current situation for the better. Have I ever said anything wrong? Stop worrying, just shut up and do it.」
Suddenly, she grabbed my butt.
「Waaah!?」
「The fact that you're properly training your body posture even though you're in the middle of being lectured like this is undeniable evidence that you're putting in the effort. Okay? I'm not saying that all effort will be rewarded, but if it's effort put in toward goals like this which aren't too difficult, as long as they do things correctly, anyone will be rewarded for it, without fail.」
「Hinami……」
You're actually……
「……What now? You're spacing out. At any rate, you're thinking about something irrelevant again, aren't you? If you have the time to be doing that, then you should be reflecting on what's happened so far or thinking about what to do next. You're full of more problems than you think, you know. It's almost like you're a blockhead who's equipped an item that's cursed with poison and confusion.」
Actually a kind person…… is what I had been about to think. That was close.
And then, the next day. Since Hinami had said so, it was probably true that if I were to start up a conversation just as I did before, the possibility of successfully establishing a conversation would be quite high. Or rather, she was right.『Establishing a conversation』itself wasn't something that difficult. Even I could more or less hold a conversation with my family, and with Hinami too. I'd somehow managed to do it with Mimimi as well. Which meant that, in summary, provided I have a topic and can talk normally, I can manage just fine, so all that's left here is an issue of courage……I think.
Yesterday, after returning home feeling down, I had sent a mail to Hinami asking her about things such as Izumi Yuzu's circle of friends. From that, I had added around 10 more topics and perfectly memorized them. I had paid special attention to make sure that I could still recall them even in a panic. With this much, it should be fine…… I wanted to believe that.
I couldn't find the right timing during the morning homeroom, but after first period ended, an opportunity presented itself.
Please work out somehow!
「Hey, Izumi-san.」
Izumi Yuzu looked my way. Having made sure of this, I exaggeratedly ── though from an observer's point of view, it probably didn't seem exaggerated ── suppressed my breathing and said the following.
「Say, about Nakamura, does it look like he's still angry at me?」
「Eh?」Izumi-san, confused for a second, immediately suppressed her breathing as well, then with a light laugh, said this.「Ahaha, what's with that, why are you asking me?」
Seeing her carefree smile, I got a bit less nervous, and quickly gave her my reply.
「Eh…… well, I heard that you're close to Nakamura.」
「What's with that? Who said that?」
「Err.」Perhaps I should tell her honestly.「Hinami.」
We talked while lowering our voices. I couldn't really express tones while whispering, so I concentrated on my facial expressions.
「Ahー. You know, Tomozaki-kun, don't you seem to be getting along pretty well with Aoi lately? Hey, what's this, have you got something going on!?」
「N-no, there's absolutely nothing!」
「Fuuu, really~?」She seemed suspicious.「Well, whatever. Anyway, um. Is Shuuji angry, was it?」
「That's right.」
「About that. Rather than being angry, it feels like he's frustrated.」
「Frustrated?」I spoke while frowning in a way that was apparent.
「Yeah, frustrated. He's practising really hard now you know, to get better at that ATAFAMI game. To the point that it's gross.」
While thinking, Is that so? in surprise, I also thought, So practising ATAFAMI is gross?, taking damage.
「Heeh. So that's how it is.」Then, I remembered one of the topics I had memorized. 「Actually, after winning against Nakamura in that ATAFAMI match, I thought that I'd definitely be bullied in class.」
「What's with that? Really?」She laughed while keeping her breath down.「That's bad.」
「Yeah, so, I'm worried about what's going to happen next.」
「You're worrying too much! It won't turn into that, you'll be fine, probably.」
「Ah, really? Then that's great.」I spoke with an exaggeratedly relieved tone and facial expression.
「Ahaha, good for you.」
「Yeah.」
All right! I'll be fine with this! I made it! I made it to the end! The conversation felt like it had already ended, and if I pushed it any further, it was possible for me to make a mistake, so I decided to retreat for now. It was two times per day, so until the end of Friday, seven more times to go. Don't push yourself, don't push yourself.
In this kind of way, for the next seven times as well, which were at times disorderly, and at other times awkward, I managed to survive with just my fighting spirit. Well, to be honest, the conversation we'd had about Nakamura was the longest time a conversation lasted, with the others kind of being on the level of seven consecutive instances of I talked to her so we had a conversation, which were, frankly, near the failing mark. Three or four of those were probably actual fails. If the conversation「Hey, Izumi-san, is that a new cardigan?」「Eh? It's the same as yesterday……」「Ah, so I was imagining it.」「Y, yeah.」「……」「……」didn't count as a fail, then three times. Well, a passing mark overall, perhaps? Hahahaha. Haah. This is the worst.
「A passing mark.」
「Seriously?」
At the second Sewing room. Since I hadn't actually been expecting a passing mark, that surprised me.
「Well, really, you passed in the sense that you were able to properly carry out the task of starting up a conversation twice a day.」
「……Is that so? You mean it's not a problem even if I failed the conversation itself?」
「That's correct.」I now suddenly realized something.
「In other words……it was a test to see if I had the courage to start a conversation, was it!」
「Incorrect.」
「Huh……? Then, then what was it about?」
When I said this, Hinami made the peace sign with her fingers and said the following. [2]
「You know the concept of Game Over, right? There's two types, do you know them?」
「Again so suddenly. [3] Two types of Game Over? ……What's with that? I don't get it.」
「Well, basically.」As she spoke, she opened each hand in succession, with the palms facing upwards.「The kind where you're forced to redo everything starting from the last time you saved, and the kind where you get to keep your state from the point before you died and retry from there.」[4]
「Ah, I see. It's true that it differs based on the game. ……However, how is that relevant?」
「This time round, you had that conversation with Yuzu, right. That was, so to say, a battle with the enemy. You failed and were defeated, resulting in Game Over.」
「Ah, so it really was a failure.」
「Obviously. A conversation with three back-and-forth exchanges doesn't count as a conversation, you know.」
「……Y, yeah, I thought as much.」
「Now then. For the battle called having a conversation, do you know which kind of Game Over applies?」
「……Well, it has to be the kind where you get to keep your state and continue.」
「Yes! Because there's no such thing as a save point in life, right. However, even if you lose, you don't end up having the money in your inventory halved or anything like that. There's no penalty to losing a battle. So it's more advantageous for you to take fights continuously one after the other. Besides, if you keep on fighting so many times, you might eventually get lucky and win, right?」
「……Well, since you put it that way, I guess so?」
「However. That's not the really important bit. Understand? The Game Over of『Life』has just one characteristic that makes it completely different from all other games. ……Do you know what it is?」
She looked into my eyes while grinning.
「Even if you ask me that……there's too much to consider, I don't know what to think.」
When I expressed my worry to her, Hinami, beginning with a 「You see……」, slowly said the following.
「In『Life』, you gain experience not when you win battles, but when you lose them.」
「……Whoa.」
This turned into some good conversation.
「So for this week, you persistently fought a strong enemy named Izumi Yuzu and piled up defeats. However, those defeats became experience points and accumulated within you. In addition, during the battles, you gave this and that a lot of thought, like whether something was better to do his way, or better to do that way, right?」
「Well, yes.」Her trust in me when it came to that was slightly uplifting.
「Although, frankly, I think you probably gave the impression of『That guy who tried to talk to me in a kind of weird way』to Izumi Yuzu.」
「Ah, so it really was like that, huh?」
「But you also gained a lot more than that. You've also realized it yourself, haven't you? The fact that by the second half, you lost your nervousness, and were more proficient at it.」
「Well……I guess that's true.」
Certainly, although I hadn't been able to keep the conversations going for a very long time, it was especially the case for each of the two times in the second half that I felt, how should I say, that the『grossness』that I had constantly been releasing since the instant of my leaving the birth canal had almost disappeared. Although me being the one saying this was a bit, well.
「So with that, this week's task of『Gaining experience points from getting defeated』is now over. ……Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?」
「Ah, now that you've asked.」There was one.「You said something about Kikuchi-san favouring me, right?」
「Yes, I did say that, didn't I. And?」
「Well, I don't think it's to the point of favouring……but I've figured out the reason for it.」
Hinami moved her body towards me without a shred of hesitation. Close, too close. It's bad for my heart, so please stop that.
「What do you mean?」
She was frowning, but her eyes were shining with something that looked like anticipation.
Translator Notes:
[1] He's probably exhaling here to calm himself down. Even though his situation might incline you to read it as an abruptly terminated expletive, please read it as foo. Phonetic readings, okay? Phonetic readings.
[2] For the peace sign, you hold up your index finger and middle finger, keeping them apart. That is, two fingers. It's also known as the 'V' sign (for victory), but it has been used (for example, by John Lennon of the Beatles) to denote peace, and that's the main interpretation which appears to have stuck in Japan.
[3] He's referring to her tendency to suddenly switch to a gaming context in conversation.
[4] For example, Final Fantasy (Type 1) and Pokémon (Type 2).
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