He always came at around this time. Always. Always. The place was different now and then, but… the chance, the necessity, and the intention. None of those changed. He always met Carynne.
Until now, it had been within the bounds of the Hare estate, even when the actual places differed. Still, it would not hinder the fact that he would meet Carynne, no matter the setting. Just as ever.
But what about this time?
She knew it in her head. This time would be the same yet again. She’s in danger, and Raymond would save her. Isella would be jealous, and Verdic would get mad. Just as ever, these instances would repeat themselves. It was at the beginning of this cyclical year that she was already so sick and tired of. This cyclical year without any smidgen of stimulation.
Knock, knock.
Once more, someone knocked from outside the door. Was it him out there? If he was, nevertheless, it would not surprise her.
But even so, Carynne found herself afraid—afraid to confirm it.
Carynne had not spoken to Donna since she was 117 years old. She did not wish to meet her again. She only saw the maid from a distance, being bullied by the other maids, but Carynne no longer wished to have a close relationship with Donna. She just wished to recall that life as it was. She wished to preserve it. She wished to leave behind sadness as sadness, and frustration as frustration.
If such things were to repeat, then the novelty of the experience would not be impactful anymore. Even if she was not from outside the novel, it still felt like it.
She’s getting sick of everything. Including Raymond.He’s someone who could not remember all the years before. For Carynne, all the people here besides herself were characters made from ink. Even if there was no world outside the novel, nothing had changed.
Carynne knew.
Originally, she would have welcomed the unexpected presence of the aging Duke Luthella rather than Raymond’s appearance. Raymond was a man she continuously saw each and every year, whereas Duke Luthella was someone she had never met before.
But now, Carynne was distressed about confirming Raymond’s imminent appearance. Just like how distressing it was to see Donna. It was the same bitter feeling that she would have as she recalled how she had failed in the end in that iteration.
She had a strong feeling that she would fail again this time.
Donna could not remember. Nancy could not remember. Dullan, who she had tortured to death numerous times, also could not remember.
It was an established fact that no longer needed to be confirmed.
Raymond would be the same.
“……”
Carynne did not want to see his face.
If they were to meet again this time, she would have to apologize to him, thank him, fall in love with him. Or maybe this time, she could tell him the whole truth once more and propose that they be on the same side. Perhaps this time, they would be able to stab Crown Prince Gueuze on the back, or perhaps they could eradicate Verdic completely.
There was also the option of revisiting her mother’s history, or participating in the conflicts and wars between the great aristocrats and the royal family, which involved Duke Luthella, Crown Prince Gueuze and Prince Lewis.
But Carynne loathed to think of all that.
She did not want to be acquainted again. She did not want to repeat it again and again and again—to act as if she was being saved by him for the first time, as if she did not know who he was in the first place. She despised living. She despised being in love. She’s so sick and tired of even breathing.
So, Carynne did not open the door. She did not want to answer. All she wanted to do was this: run away. If it was not Raymond on the other side of the door, she was going to die anyway. And if it was Raymond, it was no worse than death itself. Perhaps it’s because that iteration was the first time she had done her best to extend such courtesy towards Raymond. There were so many reasons. Carynne wanted to lock the door. If not that, she wanted to just hang herself.
Creak—
But regardless of her will, the door opened. The man outside no longer waited for Carynne’s answer. The door was not locked. Unlike how it was before, the door now opened much too easily. No one had locked the door.
“……”
For a moment, it felt to Carynne as if time had slowed down tremendously.
The first thing she could see was the man’s hand. Just with that, she already knew who it was. Then, what’s revealed next were his arms, his clothes.
With the sunrise behind him, he appeared.
This time again, it was just as Carynne had expected. Her knight had come to her rescue. Even his clothes were the same. Yet again, it was the same dark military uniform. Too dark to tell whether or not there was blood splattered on it. From his hand, thunk, his gun slipped and hit the floor. It was the same one he always used.
There was no plot twist.
This time again, he came to save Carynne. Or, perhaps he was swept away by some other force and happened to face Carynne.
Whatever it was, Carynne did not doubt him. Even as she had committed murder, he remained to be on her side. This time again, he would be on Carynne’s side. This would never change.
Carynne thought.
What should I say this time? Thank you? No, who are you? If not that, please save me? I don’t know which one will sound more natural.
The rays of the rising sun shone from behind Carynne. Before she knew it, the sun had risen from the horizon, and morning had already come. Yet again, another terrible and tiresome day had come. Yet again, she met Raymond.
Raymond’s hair and his face were revealed. Carynne lowered her gaze. She did not know what kind of expression to make. She’d rather close her eyes.
She gritted her teeth.
I can’t expect anything. I can’t.
Though she could not speak of it, she felt miserable. She didn’t have to feel this way, but this was how it was.
She heard footsteps.
He’s approaching.
What should I say? Carynne thought. I don’t know. I don’t know.
Nevertheless, she had already lost the chance to run away. She needed to talk to him. She needed to ask who he was. As if it’s her first time meeting him. She needed to give him a natural answer.
She raised her gaze. Raymond’s chin, his lips, his nose. Then, his eyes became visible. His face was as beautiful as ever. However.
Carynne could not say anything.
And Raymond did not say anything either.
There was once a time, during the first few years of her repeated life, that Carynne had spoken to him about the terror of death. I’m afraid of dying. I’m afraid you won’t remember me again. But he smiled and stroked Carynne’s head. I’ll come to you again. Then, let’s make a code. I don’t know how I’ll ever remember, but I’m certain…
She would never forget, but he never remembered even once. He was the one who said that they should make a code, but it was like a farce of succor.
Raymond was a rational person. He never truly believed what she had said. That iteration, too. Until the very end, he did not believe Carynne.
Even so, he had bet everything.
This was the reason he’s Carynne’s male lead. Carynne had told Dullan about this without hesitation. How would she be able to deny a man who did his best, even when he had no trust in her? Even if she could not love him, he was a man who did his best for her. Who else would she choose?
“Shall we make a code?”
No. There’s no need for that kind of thing.
Raymond stepped forward, closer to Carynne. He placed a hand on Carynne’s shoulder. Carynne looked up at Raymond.
For the first time, Carynne looked at him properly.
Raymond was crying.
Carynne was aware that she was truly holding him with her own hand. Raymond opened and closed his lips a few times, but eventually, he drew her into an embrace without saying anything. She felt her shoulder getting soaked by the second. Raymond’s hands were shaking.
She had always been curious about what his crying face would look like. Throughout all the years she knew him, she had only ever seen his smile, his wrath, his surprise. But never his tears.
Carynne vaguely thought that, if he ever cried, he would only quietly shed tears. But that wasn’t the case. Raymond was not crying quietly and gracefully.
What left through his lips were akin to the pained howls of a beast. And Carynne noticed a similar sound coming from her own throat. She felt suffocated.
“……”
How did he know? How much did he remember? Who was he now? Why here, and why now?
But Carynne forgot all of those questions swirling through her mind. She placed her arms around Raymond, who was embracing her. They embraced each other so tightly that their bodies might break.
No words were needed. The dizzying sadness and emotion permeated through their bodies like the slash of a blade.
There was no need for a code. There was no need for any probing. There was no need for a confirmation. Love was not a test. Time could not be hidden by anything.
There was no need even for language. No words at all were needed right now. One glance was enough to know. Only tears existed in this moment.
Now, in this world made of ink, there existed two human beings.
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