49.
After that day, she watched fireworks with him several times. Sometimes in crowded places; sometimes, like now, in a place with just the two of them. Each time, he reached out his hand and she held it.
Sometimes they talked a bit, other times they exchanged warmth without saying anything. What would I think back then? How did I feel? She felt a needle pricking her heart…
The noises that shook the sky began to fade. Ercella blinked slowly. The downpour of stars was over. When the roar stopped, the surroundings returned to silence. The occasional chirping of crickets was the only thing that disturbed the air.
Ercella turned her head towards Harsen. He was already looking at her when she glanced at him. He didn’t say anything, but it felt like he was telling her to return.
Ercella nodded quietly. It’s time to go back now. Just then, someone approached them.
“Your Excellency, we will continue search–”
Kyron, who glanced at Harsen’s side, paused his sentence.
“…You found her.”
There was relief in his voice. Kyron’s face was covered with sweat, and Ercella was stunned. She inferred that they had been looking for her and Harsen had solved the problem by finding her. She felt terribly guilty.
“About the report…”
As he spoke, Kyron glanced at Ercella.
“I’ll listen to it after I get home.”
“Understood.”
Kyron bowed his head and left. When Kyron disappeared, there were only two people left again. Ercella was so shy that she couldn’t even make eye contact with Harsen.
“It’s just that I felt stuffy…so I went out for a while.”
“It sounds like you’re going to do this again whenever you feel stuffy.”
“…You’re telling me I didn’t need to do this.”
Her heart sank when she thought that not only the knights but also the merchants of the capital would have been troubled because of her. She had unintentionally bothered people on the day of the festival.
“Let’s go back.”
Kyron had something to report, so she thought it would be better to go back. Thinking that, she pulled his collar slightly, but Harsen remained in place.
Ercella stared at him in confusion. Suddenly, Harsen lowered himself and picked Ercella up. Ercella yelped when her legs were suddenly suspended in the air.
Surprised, she looked at Harsen, but he didn’t seem to care. She was wondering why he had done that when her eyes reached her foot. Is it because of my foot? Finally, she sighed, “I can walk.”
“Maybe you can walk now, but it still won’t get better tomorrow.”
Ercella was speechless. Harsen looked down at her, “Wrap your arms around my neck.”
At his low-pitched voice, Ercella became upset. But it was useless. He won’t change his mind. Thinking so, Ercella shyly wrapped her arms around Harsen’s neck. He slanted up one of the corners of his lips as if he couldn’t help it, “Are you in a position to save face?”
His sneer annoyed her at first. He obviously didn’t know that. She was dressed as a commoner right now, no one would think she was a duchess.
What if a passerby recognizes him and a rumor spreads that he was holding a woman other than his wife?
“I don’t want you to damage your reputation because of me.”
Unlike other aristocrats, Harsen never had a scandal. Ercella didn’t want his flawless name to be on people’s tongues.
“I know you’ve already lost a lot because of me.”
I know how much blood Harsen had to shed because of my family. She was aware, even if she didn’t know it all. A fact that she didn’t want to know.
“I don’t have anything, and there’s nothing else I can do for you.”
“…….”
“Except this.”
There was nothing she could do for him. All Ercella could do for Harsen was not to tarnish his honor because of herself. All I have is a worthless body. That even he wouldn’t desire. She knew he wasn’t a man who cherished the momentary pleasures she brought to his life.
He had handsome looks, a beautiful voice, and noble status. In front of this man, nothing of hers shined.
So whatever he desired, she wouldn’t be able to give it to him. That was what pained Ercella. She smiled sadly. Harsen, who was watching her, let out a brief sigh, “…I don’t care.”
“…….”
“So let’s just go.”
Harsen held Ercella tighter than before. He always did that, as if his body was performing a ritual. As if he was afraid that she’d slip away somehow, he would hold onto her firmly immediately after loosening his grip.
He could let her go any time, but he wouldn’t. Even when angry, he would suppress it, and would not turn his back on her. As if it were natural.
* * *
Wendelman pondered on what had just transpired.
‘I’m sorry.’
Wendelman had his head bowed after telling the Duke that the Duchess did not take an attendant with her on her outing. The problem was that Ercella had not returned before Harsen.
However, Wendelman, who was prepared for such a situation, silently received the freezing gaze. The lord was still quiet. He maintained such an eerily still silence, that Wendelman wished he would rather be angry. At last, the man addressed him.
‘Where did she go?’
‘…I understand she went downtown.’
‘Downtown, alone?’
The man who reiterated Wendelman’s answer frowned. The capital city was huge and there were many drunkards roaming around at night. As soon as he realized that, Wendelman began to worry. Although the guards were patrolling, drunk men being drunk would surely drool over such beauty.
Besides, today is an annual festival, so more people… Wendelman stopped the conjecture that came to his mind.
‘…Your Excellency, today is a festival of the common folks. Perhaps, the Duchess will return after watching the fireworks.’
‘What time is it?’
‘Around ten o’clock–’
‘Kyron.’
Harsen interrupted Wendelman and called the knight next to him.
‘Yes, Sir.’
‘Move up the scheduled time for the fireworks to right now.’
‘Understood.’
‘And send the knight to find the Duchess. People might not know what she looks like, so report everything you find about blond hair and blue eyes.’
‘Yes1, Your Excellency.’
Kyron saluted and went out the door. After that, Harsen looked through the letter left by Ercella once more before passing Wendelman, articulating every word,
‘I won’t blame you.’
‘…Yes?’
Wendelman asked back indignantly when his lord said something unlike his disposition. However, my lord did not answer and simply left.
“The Duchess must stay safe.”
Wendelman turned to the source of the voice. Next to him, Viscount Garion Claymont was fiddling with his mustache as if he was nervous. Hours had passed and they hadn’t returned home yet. Garion admonished him, “You! No matter what, you shouldn’t have sent the Duchess out alone without a single soul. You should’ve secretly put at least one person next to her. Should something happen, how do you plan to step forward to His Excellency, and not to mention, the Visarides… Just thinking about it gives me shivers.”
Wendelman nodded, as he strongly agreed.
“I must be crazy.”
“And seeing that His Excellency just walked away because it seems the Duchess left an explanation for your actions in her letter. The rest of your luck, drag it all here!”
“Of course, if it means the Duchess will return unscathed.”
“Right. But why aren’t you coming?”
Garion was pacing around due to increasing anxiety. Wendelman furtively posed a question to Viscount Claymont, “Say, what do you think of the Duchess?”
Garion raised his eyebrows at the random question.
“The Duchess? Why are you asking that all of a sudden?”
“Well… I honestly thought I did my job…”
Wendelman hesitated and narrated what happened during the day. The things his wife had said. Garion tilted his head with a strange look.
“But wasn’t that the obvious thing to do? We’d be relieved if she was just a royalist. But that woman is a Visaride. Do you know how they collect vast amounts of information? That family collects evidence of corruption from other families to keep them on their toes. What do you think a woman who grew up in that kind of family would do if we left her privy to duchy affairs? Not to mention, His Excellency, the late Duke ordered us to do so. Plus, isn’t that all for the better? The Duchess likes banquets, tea parties and jewelry anyway.”
“There’s no telling whether she likes or hates work.”
Garion was stunned, as if pricked by Wendelman’s words. He’d never considered that. He said reluctantly, “Is that so… Come to think of it, that’s possible. But women… um, like I said earlier…”
He kept stammering, saying this and that.
“But considering all the troubles we’ve been through… Well, it’s hard to blame the Duchess either. She seems different from that awful Marquis Visaride, but…”
Garion’s gibberish soon reached a conclusion.
“But we’ve lost too many people because of our involvement with Visaride. It’s a given that our resentment would be directed at her.”
“Doesn’t His Excellency also do that?”
“That’s right… Wait, you. Why are we talking about this all of a sudden?”
I know. I don’t know why either. Why am I doing something so unlike me..?
“It’s just… I thought that it’d be okay if the Duchess wants to take over the internal affairs now.”
“Certainly, we can’t stop her if she wants to.”
She has lived here for sixteen years. No, wasn’t she already qualified? Garion glanced at Wendelman, who had randomly brought up this awkward topic.
Just then, Kyron came in.
“Lord Kyron, have you found the Duchess?”
“She’s with His Excellency. She’ll be here soon.”
As soon as Kyron finished, they sighed in relief and calmed their hearts.
* * *
Everyone who saw those two enter the mansion had their heads bowed down in a daze. Vicente also glanced down at Ercella held in Harsen’s arms. Ercella closed her eyes tightly to the scene unfolding before her. She didn’t expect to see even Vicente out there.
“…Put me down, please.”
At her quiet whisper, Harsen finally let Ercella go. When her feet touched the floor, Kyron, who had been waiting, approached them, “Welcome back.”
The several vassals behind Kyron looked relieved to see Ercella return safely. Feeling ashamed, Ercella tried not to make eye contact with them.
“Would you like to go to the office right now?”
“Yes.”
Harsen glanced at her, then walked with them to his office.
“…….”
Since when has he been watching? Vicente was staring at her with a face resembling Harsen’s.
His dark blue eyes, like Harsen’s, did not reveal what he was thinking, so Ercella smiled awkwardly. Just as she opened her lips, Vicente interrupted, “You don’t have to say anything.”
“It’s not a sacrifice. It’s all I’ve grown up for.”
He was talking about his engagement that was concerning her. Just as she once chose Harsen, this was Vicente’s choice.
His eyes were talking. This is the right thing to do. That was what he said. An unprecedented silence panned between them. He probably needs a Garten. The Gartens weren’t as glorious as before, but they contributed to the founding of the country and were influential aristocrats.
“I don’t want to get married that way.”
It is perfectly reasonable to choose them. Most people would be pushed to such marriages, and Vicente was no exception. But a political marriage doesn’t necessarily mean an unfortunate one. There are people out there who live well.
But I’m afraid that Vicente will have to live a life similar to ours. Ercella said she would have chosen Harsen if she went back, but she didn’t want Vicente to live like her. I don’t want him to live in an illusion. A relationship bound by resentment and guilt is very painful.
“I know.”
But if this is his choice.
“If that’s what you have in mind… Alright then.”
“…….”
“Do it.”
If Vicente’s mind inclined that way then Ercella wanted to respect his decision. Even if it was not what she wanted.
“Can I give you a hug?”
At Ercella’s request, Vicente stiffened. Vicente didn’t know how to react, but soon nodded his head.
“Please do so.”
As soon as he allowed her, swallowing her tears, Ercella stretched her arms. Vicente’s body stiffened as her arms crossed the air and gently wrapped around the boy’s body. His mother’s voice echoed in his ear, “I’ve always…wanted to hug you like this.”
As she was able to unravel her tangled heart, a child appeared in her eyes. It was a strange thing. I detested him, yet cared for him. I didn’t want to treat him coldly, but couldn’t help it.
Was it lingering resentment? Was it foolish pride? I was sorry for hating him but liked hating him. I didn’t know when, like a drizzle, the child slowly grew on me, and I lived with such contradictory feelings until I died.
Foolishly, it wasn’t until I died did I realize that it was love. I was so selfish. I was so abominable and disgusting that I couldn’t convey my feelings until the very end. I want to say I love you, but I was afraid I’d become a worse sinner if I said those words.
She could not hug Vicente affectionately until she eventually died. Until the bitter end…she was like that. Ercella gave her now grown-up son a stronger hug.
“…I’m sorry I’m late.”
I’m sorry for looking back at you now. That was what she was saying. A weak tremor, like the vibration of a thin thread, flowed through him.
His mother was sobbing, trying to hold back her voice. Her tears were soaking his chest. So, Vicente could not answer.
* * *
Kyron looked very flustered about the report he was going to give. He sneaked a look at Harsen and reluctantly began to report, “Um… Well, according to what a merchant had said, a woman presumed to be the Duchess was with a man. They were close enough…to seem like a couple…”
“…….”
“…O-of course, there’s a possibility she might not have been the Duchess…”
He was stuttering because of the awkward content of the report but Harsen remained still, as if telling him to continue. So, Kyron had no choice but to continue talking.
“…I heard about the man, too. His description is similar to the one the Duchess encountered at the bookstore the other day… I beg your pardon.”
Even though there was nothing to apologize for, he did so because of the uncomfortable report. Why did the Duchess insist on going out alone today, and why did she meet him this very day? The most important factor is whether the meeting was planned or just a coincidence, but it’s frustrating because there is no way to know. Kyron became tense at his next question, “His identity?”
“It’s still unknown.”
“Find it.”
“Understood.”
Even though it was his usual emotionless voice, Kyron felt his blood drying.
* * *
Are you comforting me? He was patting her back clumsily. Ercella laughed, despite her falling tears, while in Vicente’s arms. At Ercella’s sudden laughter, he got embarrassed and stopped comforting her.
“Are you laughing at me?” he asked with an unhappy look.
Ercella raised her buried face and wiped away the tears with her fingers.
“I know right. I’m laughing again. Do I look stupid?”
“How could I say such a thing to my mother?”
“But I think I’m really stupid.”
“Seeing that you’re talking a lot, you must be tired. Go in and rest.”
“I usually talk a lot.”
“I know. I just wanted you to go in.”
“How mean.”
Vicente smirked only then.
“Do you need help?”
“It’s not so bad. I can go alone.”
“Is that so?”
Ercella glared at Vicente’s cheeky smile.
“You and your father treat me like a child too much.”
“Are there kids as grown up as Mother out there?”
“Oh, so you joke now, too?”
“I guess I picked up the habit because of someone.”
Hah, Ercella laughed sardonically. Even though he said that, Vicente also seemed slightly awkward.
Now I get why Vicente is making jokes that he usually isn’t good at. He’s trying to be considerate of me. It was a commendable effort, something she was grateful for, so Ercella said with a slight smile, “See you tomorrow.”
“Have a good rest.”
Leaving the awkward Vicente behind, Ercella moved on. Arriving in front of the bedroom, Ercella opened the door.
She was back. She both liked and hated this place. It was the only place in the Duke’s house where she could breathe, but it was also the place where she was locked up.
Is it because I experienced a moment of freedom? She felt unusual. Although she didn’t know exactly how she felt. She didn’t always know how she felt. It had been like that since a certain point. She became used to avoiding facing her feelings out of fear. That was how she lost herself, little by little.
‘You’ve just lost your way for a moment.’
He could be right. After sitting on the bed, she thought of Juan for a moment. He was a completely new kind of person, different from anyone she’d ever encountered.
‘If you want to do it, you can do it; if you desire it, it will come true, and if you walk down that path and act on it, it will happen.’
‘All you have to do is yearn for it.’
“I have to yearn for it…” Ercella recited his words.
His words felt more sincere than any kind of flattery. He didn’t offer help, nor did he ask about her situation. He just told her that all she had to do was yearn for it. As if he believed she could stand up on her own.
Again, I wonder who he is. Did he say he went abroad to study? Now I understand why I never saw him at regular parties for someone who looked like a nobleman. Maybe now we’ll run into each other at a party. Maybe then I’ll find out his identity… That’s what she thought.
“…….”
She sensed someone at the door. The door opened and Harsen appeared. He stood still with the door open.
“…Harsen.”
She called his name in her usual tone. Strangely, an unfamiliar sensation rose from the tip of her tongue. Harsen’s name felt unfamiliar. Why, though? I thought we made up earlier…
Harsen entered the room as her fingers trembled weakly from this unknown anxiety. Then, the door closed silently.
Heyyy it’s Wednesday ya’ll!! It’s been so long since I translated and this was the last chapter I had on my file. I now don’t even know what’s happening in the story XD As much as I’d love to do weekly updates I can’t and the updates are getting more and more sporadic. I won’t have time this month either T_T It’s been forever since I updated Elena Evoy…
Footnotes
- The word here is 존명 meaning honor/respect used when receiving a command. I don’t know an English equivalent of it, so my editor just chose ‘yes’.
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