The Guide to Conquering Earthlings

Chapter 46

Lan Xi felt very happy today. Although she got her expensive sportswear wet trying to save someone and had to change into a company T-shirt, and the garbage she had picked up neatly was thrown away, she was still in a very good mood.

She had already slept in the car with Xie Yunfei, and they had been on dates to solidify their conquering relationship. Her interactions with him were strictly in accordance with the frequencies stated in the Guidebook, and now there was just one last step left before marriage!

Although the tutorials in the Guidebook had been completely ineffective on Xie Cheng previously, they aligned very well with Xie Yunfei. Since this was the case, Lan Xi decided to push for a quick resolution. If Xie Yunfei didn't propose, no matter - she would! After all, she had ample experience with proposals already!

Moreover, the Guidebook said that beaches were one of the most sacred proposal sites for humans! No time like the present!

According to the Guidebook's simple beach proposal method, shells arranged in the shape of a heart on the beach with writing in the sand was a fully acceptable way to propose. Not only was it environmentally friendly, but also very affordable! And most conveniently, it was super easy to arrange!

With how smoothly and quickly things were progressing with Xie Yunfei, this proposal was sure to succeed. Once she became a boss's wife and had money, she would naturally heavily reward Xie Cheng for helping pick up shells for her proposal!

Lan Xi was also very satisfied with the setup for this proposal venue. She had even done her homework ahead of time and learned a little about how to write words, though Earth's writing system was so difficult that she couldn't help but cut some corners. In the end, for simplicity's sake, she just barely managed to shakily learn how to write the characters for "Lan" and "Xie."

After all, for a proposal, writing just the last names was acceptable enough!

Everything was going so harmoniously, yet for some unknown reason, Xie Cheng, who had seemed perfectly cheerful just a moment ago, suddenly had a face as dark as storm clouds closing in. Not only that, but his voice had also inexplicably taken on an eerie, weird tone:

"You can't write the full names?"

With so many words, who would write full names!

Lan Xi paid him no mind: "The marriage certificate has the full names written. The beach proposal is just a ceremony."

"Proposal?" Xie Cheng's face was still rather unpleasant. "You've only known him for how long and you want to propose already? Do you understand what marriage symbolizes?"

"Marriage doesn't require an examination of how long you've known each other. Isn't there such a thing as 'flash marriage'?"

......

Xie Cheng simply couldn't believe his ears.

This woman had just tried to use that bizarre, freakish ceremony to propose to him a little while ago! Even if finding a man to vent her feelings after heartbreak could be forgiven, randomly deciding to marry a subpar option was going too far!

Most outrageous of all, why did Lan Xi get a romantic, normal beach proposal for Xie Yunfei while his own proposal had been horror movie charnel house creepy!

This really was far too much.

Xie Cheng knew that right now, the most important thing was to calm down, because things might not actually be as they appeared on the surface. Perhaps this was just another of Lan Xi's schemes - using Xie Yunfei to provoke him.

It was unwise to make any decisive judgments in a state of emotional turmoil; that was rash, irrational, and foolish.

Yet Xie Cheng's voice seemed to rebel against his brain -

"I can be with you," he heard himself blurt out. "You don't have to keep being sad anymore."

Once those words were out, naturally there was no taking them back.

The chain reaction sparked by his words also manifested on Lan Xi's face. At first she seemed to be completely stunned, as if unable to comprehend what Xie Cheng was saying. A moment later, disbelief and incredulity flickered across her features before her eyes went wide -

"Huh?" Lan Xi looked somewhat confused. "But, I already...with Xie Yunfei..."

Xie Cheng nodded, interrupting Lan Xi's words. "Yes, I know," he said, averting his gaze. "I know what happened between you two. You don't need to explain it to me."

"That was before we were together, so I don't mind and have no right to look into it. But I hope that once you're with me, you'll know to protect yourself well - your own wellbeing always comes first..."

Lan Xi hadn't had an easy time growing up. She was deceived at a young, ignorant age into believing that using her body to serve men was normal. As a result, she didn't take intimacy with men seriously at all. This led her to vent her pain after heartbreak in this way. But she wasn't the one at fault - it was the environment that raised her to be this way.

Even in this day and age of rising feminist thought, such words coming from a man like himself were sure to make people take notice.

Because as soon as Xie Cheng finished speaking, Lan Xi's eyes went even wider. She even stepped forward and felt Xie Cheng's head with her hand: "Xie Cheng, are you feeling okay?"

"Of course I'm fine. I just have more progressive, normal ideals."

However, Xie Cheng's explanation didn't make Lan Xi reveal even the slightest hint of being moved. On the contrary, her face became even more solemn.

"Xie Cheng, do you need to get a brain CT scan at the hospital?"

Lan Xi patted Xie Cheng's shoulder in a deliberately meaningful way: "I have no idea what on earth you're talking about. But at least you don't have a fever!"

Indeed, Lan Xi was very puzzled. What was all this about displacement and substitution? She was utterly confused, but there was one sentence she understood:

"I can clearly tell you, I cannot be with you," Lan Xi enunciated carefully. "Because I'm going to marry Xie Yunfei. The marriage certificate can only contain two people's names." 𝓯𝓇𝘦𝘦𝑤ℯ𝓫𝑛𝓸𝑣𝓮𝓁.𝒸𝘰𝓶

When Lan Xi got to this point, she suddenly had an enlightened epiphany. "Or could it be that you want to be with me without registering it on the marriage certificate?"

She instantly thought of plotlines she had seen in the TV dramas she watched while hurriedly learning Earth's languages. Now she understood everything all at once.

No wonder Xie Cheng stubbornly refused her proposal - because some Earth men were just afraid of marriage!

And now Xie Cheng had come looking for her, with obvious intentions...

"So you've come to apply to be a mistress?"

Lan Xi had seen many stories like this, where two people's tale contained a third person's name.

However, her well-meaning question seemed to touch Xie Cheng's funny bone. He rubbed his brow, looking a little helpless. "Lan Xi, I didn't know you had such a sense of humor. I'm not joking with you. I'm being serious. I'm willing to be with you. Marriage is a grave matter, but I don't preclude us getting together for now, so we'll leave the future to the future."

"You don't need to worry. Since I'm saying this, I won't go back on it. So you don't need to displace your feelings onto Xie Yunfei and use him as a substitute."

His words sounded quite logical, but...

"I'm not using Xie Yunfei as a substitute!" Lan Xi said, puzzled. "I never thought about being with you either. Because I'm going to marry Xie Yunfei!"

She stated righteously: "I'm a moral person! I strengthened my learning after that last incident where my quality wandered off! Being immoral enough to take a mistress after getting married means having no quality! I want to be a quality person, so I won't let you be a mistress."

"Trying to be a mistress is homewrecking behavior! Xie Cheng, you can't be so muddled! If you keep having such low quality, you'll get yelled at with no way to retort when you go outside!"

But although Lan Xi had spoken so earnestly, not only did Xie Cheng not thank her for scolding him awake, his expression actually grew uglier and the way he glared at Lan Xi more dangerous.

He seemed to be biting back some emotion as he ground out: "I don't want to be a mistress! I absolutely refuse to be a mistress!"

"If you don't want to be a mistress, then could it be..." Lan Xi suddenly had another epiphany. "You don't care about romance at all, you just purely like threesomes?"

Indeed, there was an old Earth saying: 'Where there are three, there must be one I can learn from.' This seemed to fit with Xie Cheng's passion for work and self-improvement. With three people working together, there really was no need for romance as long as there was a common goal.

While this was meant to be a positive affirmation of Xie Cheng's positive, forward outlook, when Xie Cheng heard it, his eyes nearly spat fire.

It must be the beach heat!

Lan Xi helpfully suggested: "Xie Cheng, you can take some clothes off if you're hot."

"I'm not hot!" But Xie Cheng seemed to be forcibly restraining some emotion; his chest heaved rapidly up and down as well.

Beneath that plain, ordinary company T-shirt, the rhythmic undulation traced the contour lines of his chest muscles. Though seemingly inappropriate, Lan Xi didn't know what was up with her eyes - they couldn't help covertly stealing glances at Xie Cheng's chest.

Indeed, the beach was too hot and too dry. Before long, Lan Xi also felt her cheeks and ears getting hot and burning, followed by dry mouth and tongue.

The proposal scene was already set up, and the garbage was almost all picked up. She hurried to exchange Xie Cheng's self-service meal voucher reward and then she could propose to Xie Yunfei!

At this critical moment, Xie Cheng actually stopped Lan Xi.

He glared at Lan Xi for a moment, then quickly averted his gaze, as if he didn't care much, but his voice was extremely emphatic, as if he did care very much—

"Lan Xi, what exactly do you mean?"

?

Lan Xi wondered: "I just intend to propose to Xie Yunfei and then marry him, what else could it mean?"

Xie Cheng almost spelled out each word viciously: "Weren't you proposing to me just a few days ago? What do you mean by this?"

"Oh! That! Things change! Haven't you heard that saying?" Lan Xi desperately searched her brain for vocabulary, "Out with the old, in with the new - you haven't heard that? Without letting go of the old there will be no new. Now that the old you is gone, there is new Xie Yunfei. Very reasonable!"

Xie Cheng's face was gloomy, and the corners of his lips were very flat: "People who are serious about feelings would never propose to two men in such a short period of time."

This was not something Xie Yunfei could be allowed to hear! The Guidebook said that what earthlings hate most is treating feelings lightly! So for this accusation, Lan Xi had to...defend herself slickly!

"It's precisely because I treat every feeling seriously that I propose to every man I like! Every relationship aims for marriage when I date seriously. How am I not serious enough?"

Sure enough, flawless logic. Xie Cheng seemed to be completely overwhelmed. He stared fiercely at Lan Xi, unable to speak for a long time.

...

Of course Xie Cheng couldn't speak. He didn't know how Lan Xi could have such circuits of thinking.

Were the things she said even human words?

So her previous pursuit of him, those hot gazes, going on a business trip with him to the countryside without hesitation, even making banners showing her determination, and having the courage to propose...were all fake? Just gone when she said so?

Xie Cheng was practically gritting his teeth: "Are you serious? Were you serious about me? Can you turn the page in just a few days and propose to a new man? Can this be called serious?"

But the culprit was completely unaware. She even shamelessly said: "I was indeed serious about you before, but since I was rejected, I'll stop if you're uninterested. One-sided feelings have no future! Xie Cheng, it takes two hands to clap! So I've gone to find someone who can clap with me!"

"As for you saying I proposed to Xie Yunfei so quickly, that makes sense too. After all, when you meet the right person, everything will naturally go smoothly and progress very fast!"

"The right person? Xie Yunfei is the right person? Where is this so-called right person now? Weren't you going to propose to him? So where is he?" Xie Cheng sneered coldly, "Why don't I see him with you picking up trash by the beach? Oh, just now I also saw him under a beach umbrella chatting animatedly with a girl in a sexy swimsuit, drinking cocktails."

As Xie Cheng spoke, his gaze turned towards the direction of the umbrellas and beach chairs. Xie Yunfei's figure was no longer there: "Knowing Xie Yunfei as I do, he has probably eagerly found a nearby hotel to get a room and go to sleep."

Xie Cheng felt like he was saving Lan Xi from the bitter sea. He had gone through immense psychological struggle before finally deciding to try starting with Lan Xi, not minding her past. But he didn't expect Lan Xi to not only have overcome her heartbreak in such a short time, but even have a new crush already.

Right then, the weather turned cloudy. The scorching sunlight disappeared, but the sea breeze grew strong, as if brewing a storm at sea. That powerful wind carried the damp, fishy smell of seawater, ruthlessly buffeting Xie Cheng's face, as if giving him an ear-twisting wake-up call right then and there.

And Lan Xi's following words made him feel even more like he was being slapped across the face—

"I think Xie Yunfei is pretty good. He's very capable, he never rejects me, and got in bed with me in the car very quickly, unlike you, being all coy, even refusing to sleep with me, lecturing me with all kinds of high-minded theories, not even letting me sleep."

Lan Xi righteously declared: "Now I feel that sleeping is great, feeling so comfortable after sleeping, hundred times more spirited. So it's completely normal for people to like sleeping and get addicted to it! As for Xie Yunfei going to sleep with someone else now, I don't think it matters much. It's not like I want to sleep all the time, when someone doesn't have that need, it's right to respect those who do, isn't it? Aren't love and marriage all about accepting each other's flaws and compromising for love? Seeking common ground is good."

"It's just sleeping, not some hideous unforgivable sin! He's usually very good to me!"

Xie Cheng felt like his values had been completely remodeled.

Lan Xi's poisonous values were extremely rotten!

Her past environment while growing up must have been terribly inferior, for her to prettify such infidelity as seeking common ground and accepting each other!

What's more—

"You call that being good to you? Being good to you means abandoning you in place repeatedly?"

But Lan Xi defended shamelessly: "He called me cabs! Even special cabs! A man who can call cabs for others is a gentleman with elegance. I want to marry this kind of man."

"Men who leave without calling cabs can't make relationships work."

"..."

Ignoring Xie Cheng's fierce gaze, Lan Xi cleared her throat and concluded: "I feel Xie Yunfei is very pure, not pretentious, kind-hearted inside, lacking some worldly wisdom and tricks, but that just shows his inner purity."

Although Xie Cheng still had that handsome face, Lan Xi somehow felt like his features were almost distorted from anger. But looking again, no, Xie Cheng's features were still the same...

In fact, this was the point where the topic could end. But Lan Xi didn't know why she just wanted to win this argument over right and wrong.

Damn Xie Cheng, how dare he have such poor judgment as to reject such a noble princess as herself back then!

Now thinking back, Lan Xi still felt a flame of anger rise inside her. That's right, how many times had Xie Cheng rejected her before?

It was simply the greatest humiliation in Lan Xi's life!

Especially since she had spent more energy trying to conquer Xie Cheng!

Yet she had still failed!

Luckily she discovered that conquering Xie Yunfei was much more useful than conquering Xie Cheng!

Otherwise wouldn't she have just gotten stuck on Xie Cheng?!

How could she still have the gall to be here listening to him say Xie Yunfei was no good! What was no good about Xie Yunfei? After conquering Xie Yunfei, she would conquer his assets next, then conquer the Earth, and finally conquer the universe!

Of course, Xie Cheng did not know Lan Xi's inner thoughts. He glared at Lan Xi: "So by calling you a taxi and paying for it, am I plotting something? What exactly am I plotting?"

"You're definitely plotting something," Lan Xi pointed to the shell heart she had just arranged, "This is an investment. With this taxi fare you're letting me owe you a favor. Later when I become the boss's wife of your Ancheng Company, of course I'll sell you some privileges."

Lan Xi stood tall and justified: "Besides, if you didn't have ulterior motives, shouldn't you have done the good deed anonymously? Why come showing off now?"

Xie Cheng felt like he was about to explode from anger.

And she was still glibly arguing!

"Then pay me back that money," he said, pressing his lips in a line. "I don't want to owe you any favor."

Pay him back? That won't do! She hadn't married Xie Yunfei and gotten his assets yet! And she was broke herself! She had to come up with an excuse!

“You owe it to me, I'm doing this for your own good,” Lan Xi coughed and said solemnly, “You spend money recklessly, so I'll help you keep it for now. In the future when you go bankrupt from overspending, you can come to me to ask for the money you owe, so you'll at least be able to afford a meal! This is a kind of savings for the future!”

Xie Cheng was speechless, he stared at Lan Xi with an expression that was incomprehensible yet shocked and complex.

Naturally, he had nothing to say in response. The truth was certainly in Lan Xi's hands!

But Lan Xi didn’t have time to pay attention to Xie Cheng now. She hurriedly took out her phone and copied the English words on it. She found a tree branch and wrote two words under “Lan” and “Xie” in crooked handwriting—

“Marry Me”

Next to these words, Lan Xi drew her own hand.

She was very satisfied with her own creativity, she couldn't help showing off to Xie Cheng—

"As long as the proposal is successful later, Xie Yunfei can draw a ring on the hand I drew here. This would be novel yet romantic, and very meaningful! He will definitely fall completely for this sentimental attack!"

In short, everything was ready!

All that’s left was an opportune time!

She immediately called Xie Yunfei, imitating the coy tone of other girls. She urged him to come to the beach quickly, saying that she had a surprise for him.

Naturally, the next step would be to propose.

In order to arrange the shell heart, Lan Xi deliberately chose a secluded beach away from the hotels and seaside shops. There were only a few scattered couples lying there, no children or noisy crowds, only the rhythmic sound of waves. She was worried Xie Yunfei wouldn't be able to find her, so she thoughtfully walked towards the seaside shops.

Soon, she saw Xie Yunfei. "I have a surprise that represents my feelings for you. You'll understand when you see it."

The Guidebook said that appropriate ambiguity and coyness helped set the atmosphere.

Seeing through without saying it outright was the ultimate emotional tug-of-war technique for earthlings.

According to the advanced relationship guide in the Guidebook, on Earth, if the woman has already taken the initiative to propose, then her emotions should be more restrained. Being too overt would diminish the sense of mystery and shyness. Occasionally it would make the man feel uncomfortable, as if the woman was too overbearing, giving him a “forced up the mountain” feeling.

So at times like this...

Lan Xi pointed in the direction: “I used shells to create an artwork I want to give you, it represents my feelings, you’ll know when you see the picture and words I wrote...”.

Lan Xi displayed the shy expression taught in the Guidebook, twisting bashfully, stealing quick glances at Xie Yunfei before swiftly shifting her gaze: “The picture is on the beach where I pointed. Go take a look.”

She gestured at the stretch of beach she had set up earlier.

“I... I won't go.” Lan Xi pretended to be nervous and shy, covering her blushing face with her hands. “I’m too nervous...”

With this demeanor and body language, Xie Yunfei understood instantly. He raised his eyebrows and walked in the direction Lan Xi had pointed.

Although she claimed to be nervous, Lan Xi was actually very calm inside.

On the contrary, when she had proposed to Xie Cheng last time, her heart was racing quickly.

But this was also normal. After all, nothing was as nerve-racking the first time. Now that this was her second proposal, practice makes perfect. Her composure now made perfect sense.

It must be so, without a doubt.

Except she realized that while Lan Xi knew today’s protagonist was Xie Yunfei and she should be focused on him, her gaze had been wandering the beach searching for Xie Cheng.

She couldn’t comprehend the logic behind this behavior. But on second thought, perhaps she hoped to have a witness when her proposal succeeded this time? Or maybe successfully proposing in front of Xie Cheng would let her gloat?

It was a pity that Xie Cheng, who had just been talking to her earlier, was now nowhere to be seen.

A huge feeling of loss and unhappiness suddenly welled up in Lan Xi’s heart. Damn Xie Cheng, he said he was better than Xie Yunfei? How was he any better?

But for now, the mission was to thoroughly conquer Xie Yunfei after proposing! She had to focus on the task at hand!

Except Xie Yunfei had been gone for so long already. Why was there still no reaction?

When Lan Xi went over to take a look, she discovered that Xie Yunfei was standing in front of her carefully arranged beach with a grave expression. What was going on?

By the time Lan Xi rushed over, she realized what had happened—

The lovely shell heart she originally made was damaged with some shells taken away. As a result, the once perfect heart shape now had a jagged hole ripped down the middle, becoming a broken heart. Her writing of “Lan”, “Xie” and “Marry Me” in the sand was crossed out entirely. The hand she had drawn was still there but was now... now only had one finger sticking up, which was the middle finger... and the hand was drawn at least five times bigger than her original...

Xie Yunfei, who was still grinning from ear to ear earlier, now had a black expression on his face as he awkwardly stood in front of this beach drawing.

Lan Xi nearly died from rage.

With a middle finger now, how could she still make this proposal work!

That damn Xie Cheng must have done this when he was here earlier!

And everyone knew that giving the middle finger signified blatant provocation and insult!

How was she going to salvage this situation?

Seeing Xie Yunfei’s livid face, Lan Xi felt that slipping away now was probably the only way to resolve this scene.

Who could have imagined that her nice proposal would end up with the esteemed Princess having to tuck her tail and flee in humiliation!

Xie Cheng! She would remember this vendetta!

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