The Primordial Record

There were no thoughts in this place except his own, and that one was slow, like the movements of a mountain. It took a while for him to recognize himself, but his awareness was limited, almost like that of a baby.

Nothing else could exist here, it almost seemed impossible for such a thing to happen, there was only darkness and the solace of it. Its warm embrace kept him… content.

That was the only word he could find for it, it was a state of being where nothing mattered and he could remain like this, unchanging, silent… dead. Something told him that this was his natural state, the way things were supposed to be.

Yet his contentment never lasted for long. A nagging voice, or maybe just a simple thought, or an idea, drew him away from his contentment.

However, the nagging thought did not take long before it dissipated, and the first few times he noticed it, he had forgotten about the thought, it took a while for him to finally acknowledge that there was something disturbing his peace, but he was left alone in his contentment, and thus he was satisfied to remain in this manner.

It did not seem like such a long time would pass however and the thought would return, it always faded away, and then silence… peace…nothingness, this is how it should be, nothing should be here but silence and peace…

I have earned this rest…

No, you have earned nothing! Your life is not yours alone!!!

'What was that?'

A troubling thought had flashed through his mind like lightning, but with the speed of his thought process, it was impossible to know what it was. The only thing that he could recollect properly was the intrusive thought that returned every now and then, and it did not fail. It returned and it left, leaving contentment, silence, peace…

The thought returned… the thought returned… the thought returned…

Stand up, weakling!!! How much more of this can I bear… You disgust me! Say your True Name and Rise!

At first, he was content in waiting for the thought to pass away, it always did, and although its return was always irritating, it ultimately did not linger for long. However, it did not take long for him to discover that it was not his imagination, but an underlying fact that every time the thought went away, it returned louder. The sanctity inside his darkness was broken.

Remember…. Remember damn you. How can it be so easy to give up your duty? No matter how much it hurts, have you forgotten all who have sacrificed and have been sacrificed… by your hand, for you to be here?

He could no longer ignore it, even inside the haze of contentment that the darkness brought him, he could not help but anticipate the thought that would inevitably return, and return much louder than before.

We do not surrender, not unless it is on our terms!

This inevitably corrupted his peace and contentment, for he could no longer rest, he could no longer leave the pain.

Pain? Where did such a thought emerge from, it seemed alien, what was pain? As a matter of fact, what really was peace or contentment? And why have I been ignoring this intrusive thought for so long knowing it would never leave but come again and again?

'I will not run anymore, this thought that does nothing but linger, let me see it. I want peace, no more pain, no more blood and bodies, no more… no more… these things I don't want, what are they? Even though I don't know what they are, I am tired of running away from this thought.'

He no longer rested, the contentment returned but he turned away from it, there had to be something more than this, this endless cycle of peace and unrest. The thought came again, and he did not run from it, he accepted it and became confused, and the thought was only a word.

'What did Wish mean?'

The thought lingered. His Wish… waited, but he could not understand what it was, and so it went away like it always did, and silence returned, but he knew it would not last.

I fall deeper into darkness, but my hands are too weak to hold on to this thread of hope. How could I ever have been this weak?!

What was a Wish, and why would it come to him, again and again?

He pondered, his thoughts slower than the breathing of stone held onto this concept with a tenacity that was inestimable and inexhaustible, he wanted to know what this Wish was, and he waited, and the thought came again, and this time he reacted instead of observing,

"What are you?" he waited, but nothing happened and the thought vanished once more, but his action triggered something and a dim sort of understanding entered his heart, and he held on to this instinct, he was on the right path, he only needed to dig forward, but this instinct brought pain and sorrow that he flinched and let go of it.

Yes… finally, after all this time, you hold onto the thread, don't you dare leave it behind again, I am tired of drawing you back, again and again. I want to live! Father, I want to live! You can not leave me alone… Please.

The thought came again, and he did not pursue it, he let the Wish linger and vanish.

He did not know why pain and sorrow hurt, but they did, and he wanted none of it. Even if the only thing he had was a brief moment of contentment in this darkness, it was enough, why should he go for the pain, when he finally had solace?

He hid away from the Wish, and it came again and again, and again, but the shell he had over his solace had been built to withstand whatever fury it threw at him, and in the darkness he dwelled, hiding away from the pain, from the sorrow, from the… Wish.

You are strong… We are strong… Do not hide from who you are!

He did not know how long he hid inside the darkness, the concept of time was also a new thing that had grown as he ignored the Wish, and whatever it may signify, he only knew that it brought nothing but pain and sorrow to him.

But the Wish was no longer an intrusive thought, it was now screams, and no matter how much he wished to hide from the screams, he could not, and although he did not want it, a part of him rebelled.

Have you forgotten who you are, Father? If you see what you have become, you will weep in shame. You cannot be content in this darkness, because it has not earned you.

A growing discontent in his heart arose that was appalled by the thought that he would remain in this darkness for all of eternity, and although he tried to fight it, but this part of him resisted with frightening intensity, whoever he was before, it was not someone who was willing to allow himself fall without fighting.

Yes father… Arise! Death would have you, if it deserves you! These thoughts seemed to have a Will of their own and they seized the screaming Wish, and Rowan awoke choking and screaming.

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