There is no Epic Loot here, Only Puns.

‘Why do we keep coming back here?’

Nu asked as they laid under the water of the First-Floor pond.

“It’s like the fish are swimming in the sky... it's quiet,” Delta said after a moment, eyes only slightly open.

A shadow moved over the surface, hiding the fake moon from sight. Nu slapped the giant catfish away as it tried to swallow him.

‘Insolent fishstick... have some manners,

Nu grumbled as it swam off to be a dark behemoth in the shadows.

“Whiskers is only playing,” Delta smiled at the scene.

‘

Whis-... you know what? I’ve heard worse out of you,’

he sighed and laid down next to her and moved his hand, creating currents and swirls.

“I’m worried,” Delta admitted as she ran a finger down the side of her face, imagining she could feel the crack that was there before.

‘It’s a moon-swallowing catfish. Is this really where you draw the line after everything you made that ended up being a little ‘much’? -_-’

Nu asked sarcastically, his screen ending with a flat’ emoticon.

“Whiskers is great, I want ten of him, but no I mean...” she trailed off and Nu was blank for a moment, his screen turning to her.

‘I know.’

he said and he was eyeing the blue scar on Delta’s face without any subtlety.

“Am I... breaking down because I’m terrible at what I’m supposed to be?” Delta asked, moving past the silence as she sat up, causing the swarm of fish around her to shoal like a colourful tornado around her.

Delta smiled, her fingers brushing the joyful creatures as she sat in the epicentre of a rainbow funnel.

Nu leaned in, causing a tear to shoot up the image.

‘Considering you went off-script from day one?’

he began, amusement colouring his statements.

‘I suspect that the system and the world simply can’t handle how bombastic you are. It should adapt, not expect you to break down. Clearly, the inferior subject should rise to emulate the superior,’

Nu announced and Delta tilted her head as two large crayfish went through her hair, knotting it into a bun.

“I’m superior?” she asked, feeling touched.

‘You are everyone’s mother around here; hence ‘Mother Superior’,’

Nu said, twitching as he said the words.

“Oh ‘nun’ of that! I’ll get an ego,” Delta said, face raised in a cackle as she nudged Nu with her elbow.

‘Remove your avatar boney joints from myself before I hurt you.’

“Roger!” Delta said quickly and pulled back.

They sat there for a moment as the moon above turned to a crescent worthy of a Cheshire’s grin.

“Thanks for helping me... and being my rock when I went to crap,” she said and Nu didn’t look at her.

‘If you die? I refuse to be saddled with this mess you call a Dungeon. It’s self-serving that I keep you functional, naturally,’

he explained without any hint of teasing.

“You can just say ‘you’re welcome’, you know?” Delta said, blowing a strand of her hair out of her face.

‘And miss the chance to mock you? I’d rather die’.

Delta leaned her head in and the screen lowered its brightness to make the bottom of the lake more peaceful.

No more words were said for the time as the moonlight illuminated the lake, revealing fish, rocks, and the crystal clean water.

Delta’s peace flowed outwards, the Dungeon lulling into a soft moment that just basked in the fact they all survived another day. Another day they could spend as a family.

---

“So, we missed this big ‘battle’ between Delta and this undead brat?” Quiss asked, his narrowed expression looking down at the sheepish goblins as they lingered around the Dungeon Entrance.

“Yes?” Hob said and Ruli picked him up.

“Little green man, you did good getting us. Don’t be afraid,” she said while giving off a blood soaked aura.

Hob stared as Ruli turned on Quiss, still holding him.

“Stop upsetting the goblins, Quiss. Just cause they’re prettier than you,” she said and Quiss eyed his staff then at Ruli as if considering her an optimal target to aim for.

“How is Delta?” he decided to ask instead and Gob turned to the entrance and yelled down a question with a bark.

Cois, Quiss was sure it was him since his tone sounded catty, yelled back in a matching rough voice.

“Great Delta is great. She is subjecting her enemies to bondage and strict punishment,” Gob reported as he saluted and Ruli dropped Hob as her jaw dropped.

“I suppose that’s why the word ‘Dungeon’ is in the name of Se-” Ruli mused before Quiss powered on, not wanting to talk about indecent acts in subterranean spaces around goblins... or Ruli... or anyone.

“Does she need help?” he asked firmly and Ruli leaned in over his shoulder.

“All those buckles and zippers can be a pain,” she added with a grin.

“How do you know about that?” Quiss asked before immediately regretting it.

“My mother has a lot of old books labelled ‘stuff I did once with my Ruli’s father that I enjoyed but screw him’,” Ruli said with absolutely no shame. Quiss recoiled.

“I’m out. Tell Delta not to burn a hole in reality until after I’m drunk,” he said and walked off with Ruli still attached to him.

The goblins watched them go as Ruli mouthed back to them.

‘Tell Delta I’ll be back later to test those zippers!’ she said before giving them a big thumbs up.

“What’s a zipper?” Hob asked and Gob looked smug.

“A lightning boss monster that traps enemies with his large fingers,” he said with a sagely nod. Hob gasped in excitement.

They went down to ask Cois about Delta’s powerful ‘zippers’.

---

Delta discovered something rather amazing about her notifications. They had a learning-based algorithm that once she asked them to only appear if it would be interesting, a lot of the boxes vanished, leaving those that Delta actually wanted to see.

It was almost as powerful as Facebook Ad technology, but not quite.

There were a few worth actually looking at that simply weren’t ‘you got a new material; here’s the countless things that it can be used for’.

Dragon bone candle holders were cool, but not pressing.

The first was the Library ones.

‘Due to absorbing all of Mharia’s belongings, all books have been sorted into the library automatically. Many deep secrets have been stored and may hold value to many adventurers. These include:

Deep art of forging sacred blades.

The Guide to Living Wood.

A Thousand and One Cures.

Killeron’s Book of Killer Spells.

Tea: Its back and forward, not around when stirring.

And more!

The books can be offered as one-time use rewards for those with affinity to them. Many of them were thought lost and now ancient orders may be able to track them to your dungeon!’

 

That was neat but... Delta was way more excited about the next line.

‘A small collection of children's books and such have been absorbed, automatically creating a kid-corner in the library with small chairs and nightlights.’

“Do you have “The Hungry Caterpillar?! Do we have it in stock?” Delta demanded abruptly as she zoomed to the room in question.

‘No such book is found in the library. Create it for ‘2 DP’?’

the system asked.

“Yes! I can’t have a library and not have that book,” she said as she touched down in the library itself, a large room of twisting bookcases. A moment later, there was a flash and a crate fell down in front of her, filled with neat stacks of said book.

“I thought I would get just one,” Delta said before shrugging.

“One for non-fiction, one for art, one for poetry, one for religion...” she sang, picking them up and rushing to the shelves.

Libro the golem eyed her as he formed out of many books. Delta looked up at him.

“Say ‘ah’,” she instructed and the golem did so to let Delta slot one of the books into his face.

After a moment, he turned a vibrant shade of reds and green.

“Festive!” she grinned.

That reminded Delta...

She pulled up another notification.

‘Libro Golem has gained a massive power boost due to the influx of books. He has become a repository of knowledge and magics, his power grows as he is fed knowledge, his awareness of the secrets of the world evolves. He is pleased by the gift from Delta. He shall delete ‘The three laws of Golems’ to make space for this book to reside in his permanent mind!’

 

Three laws... those sounded familiar.

“It’ll come back to me... along with even more traumatic memories I’m sure,” Delta said with a shrug, deciding fretting over it would do her no good.

“We will need... ‘Winnie the Witch’, the one where she has a black cat and a black home. I love that one. Along with that we’ll need all the ‘Waldo’ books, and everything I recall about dinosaurs please,” Delta announced as she finished putting the last Hungry Caterpillar book in ‘world politics’. Delta could argue it was an allegory about eating the rich or something.

The books started to rain down and Delta held her arms out as her childhood flooded the room.

“Lizards, horrible histories, comics, and all of them books about Harry the wizard!” she announced.

The torrential downpour of books started to become a real issue.

When the weather changed to start hailing Goblet of Fires at her, Delta ran for cover.

Just when it started to die down, she brightened.

“The Magic school bus!” she recalled and the ceiling literally just gave up and dropped all of the books.

Delta forgot the series had so many books...

For 15 DP, she was drowning in escapism.

She saw Libro was staring at her with his featureless face.

“Just because I’m a Dungeon Core doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy escapism,” she said, defensive.

Some of her books started to mingle with Jack’s altar. Delta would have to apologise for the mess later, but she was too busy swimming in paperbacks.

---

In the realm beyond and before and sometimes afterwards, Pip hummed as he shuffled about in his slippers and robe, putting back ‘Lucile Greenstone: Book 15: The revenge of the ghost-vampire who still loved her’.

It was alright, but the formula was getting stale. If Lucy didn’t start dealing with her issues instead of sleeping with them, she was not going to develop in the next 30 books the series had.

He let his thin fingers browse over his collection, closing his eyes to pull one out at random.

He eyed the book with great confusion. It was not his typical affair.

“Animorphs book 1? Yeerks? Changelings? Curious...” the personification of Heroes Death said as he carried it back to his armchair by the fire.

All around him, books squeezed themselves in between his smut and cheap trash romance novels.

Colorful bright books.

---

Delta closed the door to the library, swearing she’d return to binge after she spent her DP elsewhere.

There was a lot to do and... a lot of time to do it.

Immortality... Delta paused as the word came over her. Technically, she was immortal in the sense of being ageless.

“Repress...” Delta said tightly, right eye tensing.

The thoughts of knowing humanity might perish before her was swiftly replaced with tunes that made her brain light up with good feeling bits.

“I wanna be... the very best,” she announced and floated off to the garden where she pulled out more notifications.

‘Core moved beyond the empty boss room. Stairs are closed off to the fourth floor. Would you like to select a theme now or wait?’

Delta sat down on the giant Nu statue that hid her Mana Well.

“Is that allowed since I can’t go there?” she asked curiously.

‘Like setting up a reservation at a restaurant... you can plan ahead,’

Nu said, appearing at her side casually.

“What were you up to?” she asked curiously.

‘Placing more signs. I got lax with them,’

he said simply.

“Should I be worried?” she asked, eyebrows raised.

‘Of course, but look... an important choice,’

he said, pointing with his hands.

Delta blinked, watching as the box unfolded to show five options.

“W-What? That’s two more than last time!” she pointed out. Nu turned to her.

‘Technically, last time you didn’t get a choice,’

he reminded with a casual shrug.

True... Mharia saw to that.

She read off the list.

‘Fourth Floor theme, please select one!

Crystal-Theme: A selection of round caves filled with special crystal growths that can be used to make elemental crystals and special crystal lizard monsters.

Mansion-Theme: A special series of hallways and ‘inner-floors’ that emulate a noble mansion. It’s speciality is humanoid monsters and mimics.

Ice-Theme: a large expansive snowfield and hidden ice tunnels host to dangerous monsters. The main snow field has a boss monster roaming its space.

Island-Theme: A series of interlinked islands in a tropical climate. Powerful monsters reside in the water and it's safer to pass each island’s trial than go swimming.

Gothic Swamp-Theme: A large dark swamp that has a few gothic churches as landmarks. The swamp is said to be home to witches and vampires... also mudbaths.

‘

Those were some options. Delta was great at making choices, however.

“Random button... where’s the random button?” she muttered, pressing around the frame of the box.

‘You have to choose.’

Nu was unsympathetic to her plight.

“But they’re all so cool!” Delta threw her hands up as the choices continued to face her. She blew out a sigh.

“I kind of wish I had a ton of people just out of sight to vote on this for me. I suck at making informed decisions because the ice level sounds really fun like Hoth, but the Islands are also amazing... I need to think it over,” she admitted and stood up, grinning.

“I got three days, right? Plenty of time not to think about it and panic at the last minute before doing the work,” she said calmly making Nu turn around to make a sound similar to the old dial up tones.

‘I’m partial to the Mimic Mansion. Something about it makes my code tingle. I wonder if ‘guests’ would like a health potion mimic? Or perhaps...the entire floor is the boss, and they’re inside the mansion mimic!’

Nu exclaimed in excitement.

Delta gave him a look.

“Wasn’t that a filler arc in that Ninja Anime?” she asked doubtfully. Nu went quiet.

‘How dare you call my plan ‘filler’. If I’m filler then you’re the unwanted sequel no one wanted!’

Nu accused and Delta gasped, hand to her mouth.

“Not Two Piece?” she asked in an aghast tone. Nu leaned in.

‘Dragonball GT,’

he whispered.

Delta withered with disgust.

---

“They’re speaking in ancient tongues and spells again,” Doctor mused as he stroked his stone plague doctor mask. The watching Guardgoyles watched the Sun and Moon rib and accuse each other of being something worse and worse until Nu said Delta was the ‘FF11 of the series’ and Delta lost her cool.

“MIMIC MANSION IS CANCELLED. I JUST BROUGHT CANCEL CULTURE DOWN ON YOUR SCREENY BUTT!” Delta cried, fist shaking.

There was a pause.

“ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT CANCELLED BECAUSE IT IS NEAT, BUT I WON’T PICK JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT IT!” she added afterwards.

‘Just like eleven, you once again make no progress in bettering yourself.’

“Nu’s a good guy... he’s keeping her busy,” Dozer said and Dragon grinned.

“Hard to ignore that she’s spooked by her weird scar, but I think she looks neat,” the gargoyle turned to the tallest of them.

“What do you think Van?” he asked and the stoic humanoid merely nodded.

“She will never stop being beautiful to me,” he agreed and turned away to skulk into the shadows.

“Van... you’re just walking into the corner... we all have night vision, we can see you,” Dozer called, getting no reply in return.

“Edgelord,” Dragon muttered.

“He has a crush, leave him be,” Doctor announced and went off to the Lava Shroom tunnel to perform... science!

After a moment as they began to move off, Dozer casually spoke a sentence that made both Van and Doctor pause in their tracks as Dragon turned to listen,

“I heard there’s a boss spot open,” he commented quietly and the air changed instantly, the casual banter gone and a competitive stare off taking its place.

“Interesting,” Doctor said back evenly.

Near the kitchen door, Jeb the Troll blinked as he stirred his soup, listening to the goodgoyles talk.

“A boss...” he mumbled, wondering if Gnashly knew what that meant? He could ask if nothing else.

---

“If we trick Delta, we can have her calling the fiend to us and use the Dungeon against him,” Mharia said, floating before Wyin who was looking down, thoughtful.

“The parasite sucks mana up to feed itself, if it burrows near Delta, she’ll be starved,” Wyin pointed out casually. “There’s no Dungeons near the tree now,” she spoke as if she knew that for a fact.

“And? Delta will suffer a little or break, but stopping the tree is our ultimate goal,” Mharia said coyly as she floated up, turning away from Wyin as she put a finger to her chin.

“He is a threat to everything,” she summed up.

“So, it's between Delta’s well-being and the parasite’s death is it?” Wyin said, chuckling as she fanned herself with her branches.

Mharia smirked, turning, but gagged as Wyin hooked a branch into her mouth, the thing burrowing deep into her throat as Wyin dragged her closer until Mharia was forced to stare into Wyin’s golden amber eyes.

“I choose Delta, you conniving little worm,” she hissed.

“I can’t harm people, but you aren’t people. We aren’t people. We are Dungeon and you are... less than us. You wish me to offer Delta up to this parasite as you and your people offered me up in the end? I’d rather crack and burn, you little wretch. Now... give in. Delta took you in and trust me... none of us, not Lord Mushy, not Sir Fran, and certainly not I, approve of your continued existence. You are here by her kindness only and while I am a jaded shell of who I was?” Wyin whispered and the fairy could feel her insides being stretched.

“Delta would have been welcomed as my head priestess or a friend if I were still your goddess. Now? I am her shadow and if she dies? I will weep as I use her corpse to burn this world down and raze my enemies to ash... understand?” she asked, voice suddenly sweet and Mharia nodded frantically.

Wyin removed the roots and looked bored.

“Excellent, now be a dear and get me a Honey Tea with a mix of red honey and blue, but no green, it makes me gassy,” Wyin said, shooing the fairy away.

Mharia looked shell-shocked at what occurred so Wyin leaned down.

“Oh, and the Queen is sometimes a tea companion of mine. I hear, through the grapevine, that she doesn’t like you,” the tree whispered with glee before straightening up.

“Good luck!” Wyin waved and Mharia knew she was in hell.

It just wasn’t operated by some Reaper, but by Delta.

An orange, fungus-infected hell.

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