Mage Tank

Varrin looked fresh as new-fallen snow. He wore a white silk shirt, pristine and with nary a wrinkle or speck of dust. It was loose-fitting in a way that miraculously made his Herculean musculature look even more impressive as it bulged around his chest and shoulders. His pants were dark leather, fitted and flattering–not that he needed it–with a pair of low-cut boots that he could wear on the trail or at the ball.

Flanking him were four gorgeous women, making him look like the protagonist in one of Grotto’s ‘research’ novels. The first was Khigra, who stood casually with arms crossed, wearing her very-tight-but-only-for-functional-reasons smithing outfit. Xim was beside her in the ivory-colored top and charcoal pants she favored when outside of her robes and chainmail. The other two women, however, were unfamiliar.

To Varrin’s right was a Level 1 platinum who looked slightly younger than the big guy. She was a little more than six feet tall, with white hair and pale skin that marked her as ethnically Hiwardian. Her features held a familial resemblance to Varrin, down to the ice-blue eyes and bone structure perfect enough to make you wonder whether one of the Ravvenblaqs had Genetic Engineering as an intrinsic skill. Where Varrin was a slab of unrealistic expectations for the male body, the woman beside him was similarly ‘gifted’ in the feminine direction.

The other woman was also Level 1 platinum, with a slimmer frame, strawberry blonde hair, and a dusting of freckles below pale green eyes. She was about average in height–an inch or two taller than Xim–but it was tough to recognize her stature as ‘normal’ while she stood beside a goliath like Varrin. Even Khigra had six inches on the newcomer, almost as tall as Varrin’s mystery relative.

Behind them were Xim’s parents, and a veritable horde of butlers, maids, and other servants.

At least he hadn’t shown up with any of the big shots. I’d prefer to get to know the king before modeling for him in my skivvies.

While I took them in at a glance and gave a cheery wave, Varrin gently placed his face into his palm and let out a mighty sigh. Xim looked me up and down with a wide grin, and Khigra stoically raised an eyebrow. The blonde woman lifted a hand to hide a blush, feigning a cough to excuse the motion, while the unknown Ravvenblaq looked… confused.

“Esquire Arlo Xor’Drel,” Varrin said, recomposing himself and holding a hand out toward the blonde woman. “May I present Lady Sineh Dukgrien, firstborn daughter of Thundralkes Bebhinn and Feargan Dukgrien. Lady Dukgrien is well-versed in the current political landscape of Hiward, and has volunteered to assist us in getting up to speed.”

I gave a brief Hiwardian bow. “Wonderful to meet you.”

She curtsied. “Aye, Esquire Arlo. The same to you. Varrin’s told me stories, but it’s lovely to meet you in the flesh.” Her eyes twinkled but stayed firmly in place above my neckline.

Varrin cleared his throat and gestured to the white-haired woman. “And this is my younger sister, Lady Riona Ravvenblaq. Riona is currently apprenticed to the Ravvenblaq Keeper of Decorum, and will be invaluable in aiding us to refresh our etiquette.”

We exchanged pleasantries as well. Riona didn’t add her own cheeky turn of phrase, but her eyes wandered a bit more than Sineh’s.

“Now that we’ve been introduced,” I said, stepping to the side and gesturing toward the foyer, “welcome to my not-at-all humble abode. Please, come on in.”

The pair of women curtsied again and walked through the portal, followed by Varrin and Khigra. Xim stepped up beside me, the stream of servants close on her heels.

She leaned in and whispered, “I didn’t know they made pants that small.”

We both glanced down at my hotpants, then back up at the same time. The people walking past were carefully avoiding looking my way.

“They’re very comfortable,” I said.

“They look like they give a lot of… support,” Xim added.

“Keeps everything where it oughtta be.”

“That’s good,” said Xim, nodding seriously. “It’s important for clothes to be functional.”

“Very easy to move in, too.”

“Really? Maybe I should look into buying a pair.”

“I’ll introduce you to my tailor.”

“I’d like that,” she said, bumping me with her shoulder. “You can help me pick them out.”

She flashed me a grin, then strode forward. She reached up to fluff her hair with her fingers, turning to give me an exaggerated wink as she did so.

I swallowed, then went to sort out my guests as the final servant came through.

The Ravvenblaq servants lined up into neat rows in the foyer, arranged in groups with matching formal outfits. Several men and women looked pale–paler than normal for a Hiwardian–and I doubted my uncouth appearance was the culprit. This was a group who’d likely never once visited the Third Layer.

That was an unusual trip for most Delvers, let alone mundane humans. The spectacle of Sam’lia’s eye mutating the world around them until it twisted into the alien landscape of the Xor’Drel tribe lands was probably quite a shock. Lord knows how they’d be reacting if they’d been dropped into the wilds on their first visit like I had.

In front of the rows of servants was a diminutive man in a blue suit and bowtie, his dress shirt and socks an attractive shade of periwinkle. Despite my banter with Xim, I’d kept a close eye on everyone entering the Closet. I’d done my best to catalog each face in an effort at operational security. I didn’t want any stowaways trying to hang out after all of this was done and snooping into my private affairs. Despite this, the man of short stature–three and a half feet tall at most–had not come inside with the rest of the servants.

A quick scan with my Sight told me who it was, although I was slightly confused as to the how and the why.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” said the disguised Grotto in a slightly less sinister tone than his typical psychic voice. “Welcome to the estate of Esquire Arlo Xor’Drel, master of this domain and all its independent territories.”

I held my tongue while trying to unravel Grotto’s scheme, who had paused to gesture toward me and watch the reaction of the servants. Whether he was interested in how they reacted to my Esquire honorific, which he’d emphasized, or my current state of undress, I didn’t know. Probably both, based on the smirk he wore. The way he’d said “independent territories” sounded suspiciously like he was setting me up as some sort of ruler or monarch, despite how he’d referred to me. Of course, he’d already done that with the mythos of the Void King.

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“Do not be fooled by the title of Esquire, however,” Grotto continued, marching down the line as he spoke.“Master Xor’Drel chooses to use this title in lieu of the many, many others he has earned to remind those he meets that he is a man of humble origins. To remind them that people who are so often called common can become anything but. While you are here, know that you will be expected to perform your duties to the highest degree of excellence, but that you will also be afforded the respect and courtesy that Master Xor’Drel so often failed to receive in his youth.”

In my youth, Grotto? I look twenty-one, tops. Then again, with Delver lifespans these people might have believed I was older than I appeared. Which I was, technically. Also, why did this sound like the opening to a political rally?

“I am the administrator of Master Xor’Drel’s lands, and you may refer to me simply as Majordomo. As you assist us in preparing for the arrival of our esteemed guests, you will notice a lack of staff present in the household. Master Xor’Drel is an accomplished magus, and so many of the functions that such a staff might provide are accomplished through various magicks and self-sustaining sorceries. Domestic personnel are usually unnecessary.

“Because of this, you may notice certain… ‘curiosities’ around the estate. I am sure you all have experience with such things through your work for the honorable House Ravvenblaq. Be assured that you will not encounter anything dangerous.” He paused again, giving the servants a meaningful look. “So long as you do not stray from where you have been tasked.”

He stepped front and center, puffing out his chest and folding his arms behind his back. “You may treat any request I make of you as though it were made by Master Xor’Drel himself.” Oh, that sounded like a recipe for trouble. “We have been given little time to prepare, and so I will forgo further pomp and pleasantries in favor of moving on to assignments. If you have any questions, please come and see me personally afterward.”

Grotto turned and gave me a shallow bow, then turned to Varrin and did the same. Me and the big guy exchanged a look, silently discussing whether to allow Grotto to take the reins here. I gave a near-imperceptible shrug. Varrin nodded, then spoke to his people.

“While we are guests here, Majordomo shall be considered the chief of staff. If his words are to be treated as Master Xor’Drel’s, then Master Xor’Drel’s shall be treated as my own.”

Grotto gave Varrin another shallow bow, then turned back to the servants. He smiled with only a hint of menace.

“Let us get started.”

*****

While Grotto organized the workforce, I politely excused myself to clean up. Varrin was eager to discuss several things with me and Khigra needed to head out before the portal closed, but they graciously allowed me time to shower and put on actual pants. My grooming was thorough but expedient.

Once I was squeaky clean, I hid my shameful lower half beneath a pair of damask trousers with a subtle inlay of swirling constellations. I selected a complementary button-up to wear beneath my vest, leaving three undone at the top to show a cultured amount of chest, and–of course–threw on my boa.

I joined my guests in the drawing room, where servants were already pouring tea and laying platters of high-carb snacks. One man in particular caught my eye, dressed in fine cotton clothes and an apron, with a towel draped over one arm. He stood behind a mid-back chair and a standing tray covered in scissors, combs, razors, brushes, and other barbering tools. All of them glinted with hints of mana.

I smiled wide, noticing Varrin’s clean shave and precision haircut.

“Master Xor’Drel,” said Varrin. “This is Mr. Duffens. I have taken the liberty of procuring his services for the morning since I do not believe you will have time to visit your preferred hairdresser in Foundation.”

“Mr. Duffens,” I said, giving the man a nod. “A pleasure to meet you.”

“Thank you, m’lord,” said Duffens. “It’s an honor to be invited to such a unique residence.”

“Am I to be groomed before or after our discussions?” I asked.

“Concurrently would be prudent,” said Varrin.

“As you say.”

I did my best to hide my delight and act the part of a proper lord, gentleman, trans-dimensional emperor, or whomever it was I was supposed to be. I shrugged off my boa and sat in the chair, where Mr. Duffens placed the towel around my shoulders. He quickly began giving me the most attentive and–dare I say–dashing trim I’d ever received.

“In the interests of time,” said Varrin, “I believe Lady Khigra’s business should be addressed first.”

It was very nice of him to be acting as the chair of our little meeting.

Sensing no opposition, Khigra put down a berry-filled pastry, stood from the table, and casually made her way over. She wore a look of mild amusement at our antics as she brushed crumbs from her fingers. I got the sense that the Third Layer dream forger did not often find herself in the company of Hiwardian aristocrats.

She held out her hand, and Somncres appeared.

The weapon was in its throwing hammer form, pinpricks of light migrating through the emerald green head and spiraling down its ebony handle. I accepted it from her with reverence, inspecting the item as soon as it hit my palm.

My eyes widened as I went down the much longer list of effects. Two were the same as they had been, but the weapon’s original second effect was missing.

Somncres

Throwing Hammer

This is an evolving item.

Requirements

STR 20, INT 40, Blunt 25, Dimensional Magic 20, Mystical Magic 20

Effects:

1) Somncres can be summoned and dismissed at will.

2) Whenever you make a thrown weapon attack with Somncres you may create up to X Fleeting copies, where X is your INT/10. Each copy costs 2 mana to create. These copies possess all qualities imbued into Somncres at the moment the copies are created.

Before, the hammer’s shape and size could be adjusted at will. For whatever reason, it no longer had that capability. I decided to hold my questions until I’d gone through the entire list.

The third effect was the main upgrade Khigra had given the weapon.

3) Each Somncres copy can be individually assigned to a target for 1 additional mana.

Whenever I copied Somncres, the copies followed the path of the original, unless I engaged in some gravitational hijinks to bend them to my will. That meant I could only target one enemy at a time, albeit with a devastating amount of firepower. Now, I could attack up to five different targets with a single throw. I was betting I could even assign each hammer to the same target, but manipulate them individually with my Blunt 20 evolution, Hammerang. That way, hammers could assault one target from five different angles, directions, and even elevations.

Between this and my recent upgrades to Explosion!, my ability to engage with multiple targets was skyrocketing.

After the ‘major’ upgrade was a slew of potent traditional effects.

4) +100 Health Regen

5) +80 Mana Regen

6) +30 Armor Penetration to attacks made with Somncres

7) +60 damage to Dimensional attacks while wielding Somncres

Regen, more regen, and penetration. Khigra really knew what made my heart sing.

However, the most interesting of these ‘minor’ effects was the last. Added damage buffs on weapons typically only added damage to attacks made with that weapon, not anything else. The Penetration effect, for example, only applied to attacks made with Somncres.

The bonus damage on Somncres applied to all Dimensional attacks. That was something more commonly found on wands or staves. Somncres didn’t deal any Dimensional damage natively, but both Homing Weapon and Oblivion Orb were attacks classified under the Dimensional school. This would even improve Explosion! when I charged the spell.

Finally, the effect that allowed Khigra to add more effects had been reworded.

8) Khigra may Empower this item once you reach your next Intelligence evolution.

Empower, eh? What kind of tasty chocolate center is that keyword hiding?

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