Mage Tank

[Hold on a second.] I realized I’d been drip-drying naked in the middle of the bathroom, and finally made my way back to the shower for my final rinse. I let the water begin pouring over me before continuing. [I don’t even know where to start with that and I think this will require a longer discussion than we can have while that Lito guy is waiting for us outside.]

[The smoking neanderthal can wait. Our decisions bear more influence on this world than the entire stretch of his trivial life and all the generations of his bloodline that follow.]

[Fuck, dude, you don’t even know the guy. And I’m just some reincarnated asshole, so I find that unlikely.]

[That may have been true before, but now- Wait, reincarnated? What do you mean by reincarnated?]

“Shit!” I said out loud. The idea had slipped into my mind and the thought just flowed out with the rest of my mental communication to Grotto. That was going to be an issue. I felt him scanning my brain and I prepared for an interrogation.

[This… this changes so much. You have divine attention focused on you. I saw the status message from the system earlier, but I presumed it to be hyperbole, or some sort of poorly-formed humor that originated from your culture and that I did not comprehend. You died? You were brought back to life? No, there is no such thing as true resurrection.]

[I don’t know, man. I don’t know if I can know what really happened. Still, we don’t have time to explore this topic right now.]

[I am formulating theories. Resurrecting a deceased mortal and transporting their material form to an alien realm would be highly inefficient. Have you considered that you are actually a clone of the human that once existed?]

[I- what?]

[Oh no. You’re not coming at me with that Star Trek transporter bullshit. And even if I am a clone, I still feel like me so it doesn’t even matter.]

[Perhaps. But what if your body were altered while being regrown, allowing the divine entity to exert a greater level of control over your thoughts and behaviors than they otherwise would be able to effect? Mortals supposedly have free will, but what if you were a scion, or even a complex puppet wielded by the being?]

[Can we… move on from this topic?] I was so tired. My mind couldn’t carry the burden of this concept for much longer. I needed to give it proper consideration at some point, but I needed a bed first. Maybe a bottle of whiskey on top.

[Or what if you’re insane and your memories of Earth are a delusion?]

[Oh my god, stop please.]I rinsed my mouth out with some of the shower water then spat it out. I tried to ignore Grotto, but I couldn’t help myself.[Wouldn’t you know, if that were the case? If my memories were implanted or just delusions?]

[I can only perceive what is inside of you. Memories that are false still carry the same weight of those that are real. Sometimes they are even more real. I have also never been bonded to a human like this, so it is not as though I am an expert in discerning your true or untrue thoughts and feelings.]

[Very helpful.]

[I suppose we will discover more when we visit this “office” the pungent man is taking us to.]I felt a fresh clench of fear at that. [Perhaps you are escaped from some form of commitment; an asylum or other organization that houses your body to protect yourself and others from your broken mind. They may be looking for you, and the records will reveal your true identity.]

Varrin had also talked about having me committed, though it sounded like hyperbole at the time. I still didn’t like that idea being raised twice in one day.

[Do you think,]Grotto continued, [that you murdered the person who was supposed to go through the Delve, to steal their place just before entering? Maybe they already found the body, which is why they are suspicious of you. Maybe they’re leading you to the office to capture you.] He floated back and forth across the room, feelers curling and uncurling.[We can’t let that happen.]

[I didn’t murder anyone!]I shut the water off and went out to the front room to grab a towel. It was soft and smelled minty, but I wasn’t able to appreciate it. I began drying off. [I mean, no one other than Hognay, but that was self-defense. So, not murder. My assertion still stands.]

[I recall you surprise attacking him with a teleport and an oblivion orb to his sternum. I doubt that counts as self-defense.]

[I’m not gonna stand there like a jackass and let someone who has already tried to kill me get a second chance at scooping out my organs before I fucking… before I fucking kill them right back!] It was a struggle to continue thinking the words, instead of shouting them at Grotto. I settled on thinking at him real hard.

A throaty, wet chirping sound came from Grotto’s octopus-like C’thonic body. It sounded like he was laughing at me, but it wasn’t gleeful. It was a discomforting, dark sound.

[Tell yourself whatever you wish. Not a soul in this world will mourn the loss of that man, and any who would hold his death against you are not worthy of consideration.]

[You were a part of that whole mess,] I spat back in my mind.

[Yes, and I aided in his death out of vengeance for enslaving me, not justice. I need no moral justification for ridding the universe of the plague that was Hognay.]

[I was thinking it was to get your Delve back, but ok.]

[There was that, too. Though, this discussion has strayed several degrees from the main issue of import. Choose Pocket Closet.] My thoughts stumbled over the sudden change in topic.[I cannot be certain that it will suit the needs I have in mind, but if not for me, then choose it for yourself. If it turns out that you are indeed an escaped psychopath on a delusional killing-spree in search of unlimited supernatural power, then you may use it to disappear. You can open a portal, step inside, close the portal behind you, then wait until everyone looking for you is convinced you’ve already fled. Afterward, you may take flight, unimpeded.]

If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

I shook my head and started pulling on the clothes the initiate had laid out for me. They were even softer than the towels. Fresh, clean clothes after a long, hot bath is one of the little things in life that I truly cherished. Grotto was ruining it. He was ruining the entire spa experience!

I opened the notification back up and looked again at the choices. Take less damage and potentially fuck up people in other dimensions, take chunks out of someone’s mana pool while I take chunks out of their body, or an ambiguously worded inventory upgrade. All of which alluded to the idea that they might unleash some sort of dark god upon the world or irreparably shatter reality itself.

I ran a hand through my beard, wishing I had some oil and a brush, then selected Pocket Closet.

[A wise choice.]

[Stop that. You’re not my sniveling lackey. Don’t stuff roses and rainbows up my ass.]

No sooner had I finished agonizing over the evolution to my Dimensional Magic skill, than I was offered another evolution for my Fortitude. It was great, getting all these fun new abilities and upgrades, but my brain was seriously struggling to stay awake, especially after getting all fresh and clean.

Wowee! You’ve reached a score of at least 20 in the Fortitude stat! Wait, what level are you? Bro, you GOTTA put points somewhere else. Eh, ok then, here you go. Your shit has evolved! Choose a new evolution from the three options below!

1: Body of Theseus: A seed of transformation is planted in your body and you begin the process of transcending beyond the limits of mundane physiology. Your organs are slowly rendered redundant over time as your flesh becomes more than a disorganized mass of lame-o human cells, replaced with something greater. Something powerful.

Effect: Extra critical damage you take and status effects you accrue from injuries to your organs is reduced by a % amount equal to your Fortitude. Initial critical damage and status effect reduction: 22%.

2: Mind-Body Unity: Fuck Descartes! Your mind’s perception of your body in a perfect state of health and your body itself become harmonized. Your brain acquires preternatural control over your body’s orchestrated response to damaged tissue, and is able to more effectively utilize and direct magical efforts to mend and repair wounds and other injuries.

Effect: Intelligence-based healing will become twice as effective when used on you.

3: Virgin Chad: You’ve bolstered your body against weapons and magic, but you’ve also fortified your mind against forceful invasion, coercion, and the scintillating allure of low-cut blouses and hot pants. Not today, lady! Not. Today.

Effect: You gain a bonus to your Wisdom equal to your Fortitude when resisting mind-affecting spells, abilities, and conditions.

I re-read these a couple of times, making sure that my eyes were sending the correct words to my brain. But, yeah, I was accurately ingesting the… colorful… descriptions.

[The manner in which the system speaks to you is very unique,]Grotto said into my mind.[Have all the messages been like this?]

[No. I mean, they have mostly. But the combat notifications inside the Delve were normal. At least, compared to this. Maybe they were a bit too chipper, but they weren’t cracking jokes.]

[Fascinating. I wonder if it has any mechanical effect on the evolutions you are offered. These descriptions are all quite macabre.]

The implications of Body of Theseus were unsettling, which was a feeling I was having way too frequently at this point. If I remembered correctly, the name of the evolution was referencing a paradox wherein all the boards and pieces of a ship were replaced during repairs made over a period of time. It then asked the question “is it still the same ship?” An interesting mental exercise in identifying identity, but the name of the evolution seemed to say that my cells would slowly be replaced by something…else. Something not human.

Having my cells replaced wasn’t a big deal, it happened all the time as the body naturally aged, took damage, etc. But, they would normally be replaced with more human cells. What would the cells be getting replaced by if I chose this skill? Would I really remain myself if I ended up entirely non-human as a consequence? What effect would inhumanity have on my stunning facial hair?

Then again, if Grotto’s theory about me being a clone was right, then I already wasn’t ‘myself’.

“Fuck Descartes” was a thought I could get behind, and the double-healing that Mind-Body Unity granted sounded powerful. However, I didn’t know the difference between “intelligence-based” healing and other kinds, so that type of healing may be uncommon.

Then there was Virgin Chad. I just couldn’t with that name. I ignored the description and focused on the benefit. Having a Fortitude bonus to my Wisdom, or any stat for that matter, would be a massive buff, even if it was limited to certain circumstances like this evolution was. If I took the evolution, I would have an effective Wisdom of twenty-six against mental attacks and persuasion. That felt high, and was definitely a massive score for my level. Maybe an impossibly high score. I liked the idea of having mental resistances, and I almost picked it on the spot, but I hesitated.

I was already planning on buffing both Intelligence and Wisdom as soon as I got them to ten through training, and they were also my first priority for training. I definitely wanted to focus on magic, at least for now, since they were my two next highest stats. Assuming that, I would naturally reach a high Wisdom if I kept running Delves.

Though, speaking honestly, I wasn’t certain I wanted to keep running Delves. It was pretty fucking dangerous and I wasn’t a huge fan of the general torment and suffering I went through while stuck inside the last one. I could stop at level one and just go off to live life in another world, or whatever. Having that buff to WIS would probably be a big boon, assuming I ran into assholes or monsters that tried to mess with me. Still, I thought about Grotto’s advice. This would give me a massive boost now, but how useful would it be in the future? If I got my Wisdom to, say, fifty, how often would I run into something that could beat that score anyway? I didn’t know for sure, but the idea made me reconsider the other options.

Getting the effect of healing doubled was great. Assuming it was the right type of healing. And assuming that either I, or someone else nearby, had an intelligence-based healing spell. Maybe it also helped with surgery or normal medical treatment, I didn’t know. It mentioned magic in the description, but the actual text describing the mechanics of the effect itself did not.

What I did know is that getting a chunk of your brain ripped out fucked you up, even if you were a magically-enhanced Delver. The memory of Hognay collapsing to the ground and seizing when I hit him in the back of the head with my Oblivion Orb ran through my mind. That guy was silver ten. Plus, he was a melee fighter. I had to assume his Fortitude wasn’t bad. Even then, my shitty level one Oblivion Orb crushed him.

The brain was an organ, which meant that Body of Theseus should affect it. If I got my Fortitude to one-hundred, then having a sword thrust through my brain wouldn’t do any more damage than if it had gone through my leg. How would it affect my thoughts, though? Would I lose the ability to see, think, or feel while I got a sword lobotomy? Did the deleterious cognitive effects of brain damage count as a status effect? It said my organs were becoming redundant, so that implied some other, separate system was taking over. Right? The idea of getting my shit replaced by “something more” than human cells was creepy, but I also didn’t want to lose my extra life to a lucky headshot.

I chose Body of Theseus.

I immediately felt something go wrong inside of me. My guts squirmed and my heart began palpitating. Something trembled against my ribs and back, and I became consciously aware of my liver and kidneys for probably the first time in my life. I ran back to the tub, beginning to vomit blood and chunks of my insides into it. I went blind and my thoughts scrambled and fragmented. I lost all sense of time, and I was convinced that I was dying, that there was something I missed in the description warning me that it was a trap. The System was killing me for not paying enough attention to its shitty humor. For not dissecting every single word on the page, scrutinizing it for hidden meanings.

Then, it all stopped. My vision returned, my heartbeat went back to normal, and I felt perfectly fine. In fact, I felt better. Great, even. Aside from the awful taste of blood and what may have literally been shit in my mouth. I had a moment of disgust over that, then was thankful that none of that mess had found an exit through other holes in my body.

My shirt–my fresh, clean, delightfully soft shirt–was, once more, disgusting. Splattered with my insides. I stripped and rinsed my face and head again, getting the new coating of gore out of my mouth and beard, then dried with a fresh towel. I thought I had a good idea of what had happened, but I shook some more of the dampness from my hair and moved on without giving it much thought. Too much weird shit had already happened for me to get hung up on that. And did I mention that I was tired?

After that was settled I got yet another notification. I scanned it, planning on dismissing it outright if it was asking me to choose another evolution or skill or what color fucking pony I wanted.

But it wasn’t a choice, it was just an alert.

Your Tiny-Tot Traveler Amulet has evolved! Inspect the item to see its new ability and any requirements that must be met to trigger the next evolution.

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